Live-in relationships (Also for Kishore)

by **Vibhuti** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 12:59 am

This is in response to Kishore\'s board on marriages. I cud have posted this in his board, but I thought I would put this in a new board for more responses. 
It\'s real hard to understand the concept of marriage. And for me it\'s even harder to explain with my limited vocabulory. But still let me try... 
Marriage has a deeper meaning. A wife and husband share sorrows and happiness. Fight with each other and again enjoy things together. Support each other in their old age. Let me put it this way. 
1) Parents will be there from the starting, and leave us in the middle. 
2) Brothers and sisters have their own world 
3) Relatives -- good for nothing
4) Friends -- as long as u r in schools and colleges 
6) Your kids -- leave you as soon as they find their jobs and their spouses (irrespective of son or daughter) 
7) Wife/husband -- comes in the middle and stays with you when u are in need of a person (middle age and old age) 

If you think at any point of time, \"Who is there for you? And without any selfish reasons,
\'who is your only wellwisher after your parents?\' Who is that who accepts you irrespective of all your negatives? Who is it that makes sacrifices for you?\" After your mother, it\'s only your life partner... it\'s only your life partner. 
You don\'t have a life partner in \"live-in relationships\". In live-in relationships, there is always this thought in one corner of your mind that... fine I can stay as long as everything goes cool with this person - if this person is healthy, financiallly stable, has no other resposibilities, takes me for outings, buys me what I ask, gives me what I want, fine, I can stay with him. If anything goes wrong, I can always ditch him and find someone else. For them, \'bondage\' is a burden. They are basically escapists. 

I am open to criticism, opinions, views etc.

by **vibhuti** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 1:02 am

Sorry about the spelling mistakes, i dint do re-check before posting this.

by **anita** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 1:11 am

I always felt that nobody has time for me in this world except for my parents and after them my spouse. We might have very good friends but they can be with us only till a certain point. The only relationship which has no boundaries or limits is a marriage. When this relationship starts, it sounds very confusing, irritating and often burdensome. But over a period we will understand the significance of marriage. I really don\'t know why people are going after live-in relationships and filling their lives with emptiness.

by **Devi** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 1:33 am

I feel that a marraige is a beautiful relationship, provided you,both the man and the woman, have the inclination to make it work. Any relationship has to be worked at, even that of the parents\'. They have to work with the child initially and later the child also has to work. The child will work woth its siblings then the extended family and then the neighbors and as he grows he works with friends and then the people whom he would come across in his day to day routine, eg: teachers. and it extends a way over as he grows up. So, any relationship has to be worked at, none can be taken for granted.
Now, parents will be in ones life for a certain time of ones life but they put in the most important foundation. The siblings add strength to this foundation, be it positive or negative, and they tend to be in our lives all through, along with their respective families, and then the rest of the others come, depending upon how much of time and interest we have for their involvement in our lives. Childern are very special and different. we are there for them always. whenever they need us.It depends upon our capacity to be what we can be, though. It may be physical help or monetary help. Emotionally,the parents will always be there for them. It totally depends upon the children how they want to make use of the elder parents\' presence.
Now,during all this process, the most stable person (provided its the rigth person and there\'s no divorce) in our lives is our spouse.. being their for us the way we will be their for them, during all thick and thin.
\'Until death do us apart\' did not come from nowhere. there is a reason when they make us take that oath.. it is so even in our hindu marriages and it must be so in other religions\' too.
Live-in relationships DO NOT give this sense of security, emotional depth, involvement, no children ( I hope so, otherwise it would be ONE SCREWED UP LIFE OF THAT CHILD and that wud make a totally another story! wow!!),no family, no so many\'s.. for either of the persons involved.
whoa ! would I give all this away for the sake of fear of working at a relationship?!! I would like to be smart and use all of my abilities and that of my people to make the right choice and then stick by it to make it work right for the two of us.. and also see to it that my spouse also is the kind to work at it. All this will work provided we get to have \'that\' somebody truthful about what he/she also wants and have the capacity to give.

by **Vikas** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 1:05 pm

Marriage! That word by itself carries some sort of a sanctity with it ..for me anyway. Before I go any further let me make one point clear I DONT BELIEVE IN ARRANGED MARRIAGES ! They dont work 80% of the time. I\'m not saying love marriages always work ..just hear me out. I\'m of the opinion that marriage should only be considered when you know a person well enough and love a person enough to accept one\'s flaw\'s and make compromises only because you want to. To know any person to this extent, it may be necessary (not essential) that two people live together. When they do know each other mighty well they either get married or they dont. So marriage, to me is a solidification of the already existing love and devotion to another person. Arranged marriage to me doesnt make any kind of sense whatsoever. To me, its a form of mechanization of the human life like ..time to study ..time to go to bed ..time to get married ..I\'m strictly againt it ..but i\'m open to suggestion. Now issue no:2 ..Children ..they are the most wonderful people on earth and nobody should ever do anything to hurt them. People should have children ..only when they\'re absolutely sure that they can give themselves in 100% for their kids. Single parent thingie may be becoming a fad around the world and I dont exactly oppose it ..but my point is ..breaking up ..or divorce once you let these wonderful people into your life is very very heart breaking. I know some people make it work after breaking up as a single parent ..and i\'m sure they do a great job at it but it is absolutely essential that they never break communication with the other parent. A break up after having a child is the worst thing in the world. I beleive that single parenting is better than bad parenting, however its very very hard to excel at the same as we dont expect an innocent child to understand the complexities in life and sometimes by trying to explain these things we take away their childhood from them which is BAD! Summing up ..Marriage is an institution which, ideally should be preceeded by a great degree of attachment and understanding. If live-in is the way to do it ..then so be it. Living in with the wrong person and later breaking up is much better than being married to the wrong person and being \"stuck\" with them for eternity. Arranged marriages confuse me .. 
Criticism/View please!
:)

by **fun loving guy (Not a freak !!!!!)** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 1:21 pm

anita, it\'s not just the spouses with whom u can spend ur life all the way... there are many entities(things/places/people/memories) associated with ur life. Do u think marriage has no boundaries? Think again!! Once you get married, u r confined to ur spouse. U are wife(or husband) to ur husband (or wife). But if u are a friend, u can be friend to many. Don\'t take this in a way that marriages are creepy. Everybody needs to get married for a life partner. On the other side, u got many things associated with... have fun!

by **anita** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 11:38 pm

Mr Fun loving guy, I cannot share my feelings, views, sorrows, happiness, with those entities that u r talking about.

by **vibhuti** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 11:40 pm

Thanks, Devi. I agree with you. That was a really nice message.

by **vibhuti** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 11:49 pm

If two persons start a live-in relationship to make sure that they can stay with each for another 50 yrs, the relationship always starts with a thought in mind - \"ok, I can leave him/her anytime I want\". This thought is \"inevitable\". No doubt in that. This thought itself puts that relationship on a wrong track. Live-in relationships sound good coz you can break them anytime you want. Basically, it reflects ur desire to be a free person. Personally, I would never trust a person who prefers a live-in relationship, and in my opinion neither do others.

by **Aishwarya** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 12:16 am

Tell you what... these days even marriages are not as secure as we think they are. Mostly becuase it is so much more easier to get out of a marriage... The couple calls it quits and files for a divorce... No hungaama, nothing. And they live their own lives like before... either alone or with another partner.. So what\'s the big deal about marriage anyway? Well, in India it is a little different... the couple is taken on a guilt trip, but if a Live-in Relationship can happen in India, then very soon even divorce cases will become as frequent as they are in US. It was really nice reading your views on marriage... they seemed a little optimistic, idealistic and ambitious too. It is like asking for world peace - nothing wrong in wishing for it, but will it actually happen?

by **fun loving guy (Not a freak !!!!!)** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 12:23 pm

Again back to square one!!! Anita, I never expected u share ur feelings with anyone else. In fact, there could be a few things which u may be unable to share with ur spouse. And it\'s not necessary that everything has to be shared with ur spouse. Anyway, I guess u got the best hubby on earth! Keep going ...have fun!

by **Aadi** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 1:14 pm

Live-in a relationship as if you are going to die tomorrow. I see no problems now, no hurdles and no complaints.

by **oops!!** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 1:56 pm

Ooops, are u all married ones? How are you all thinking of living in without even getting married once?
Hey, if marriage doesn\'t go fine, go open than to have a live in...

by **vrinda** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 3:20 pm

Some people have lot of time in life to differentiate between these two. Live with a guy with whom you can talk just like the way u want to, life long. Have a legitimate promise to do that as long as you can, this is called marriage. Just a licensed version of a live in relationship, pirated versions are pirated versions - not reliable.

by **vrinda** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 3:21 pm

Some relationships would kill you today, let alone waiting for the next day!!

by **ooops!!!** » Wed Mar 12, 2003 8:03 pm

Can you explain more clearly what u meant... Life is not a CD-ROM or Windows to have a pirated version... what are you talking about?

by **honeybee** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 11:57 am

i agree with u devi... nice msg!!!

by **vrinda** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 12:36 pm

Ya sounds good to me, pirated versions have the look and feel of the original product, but then after a point some files would give problems and evetually collapsing the system. but original products have 24X7 support, so anything that goes wrong can be addressed and the problem can be settled at that very moment. Pirated versions are usual replaced with another pirated version. Replace pirated version with the women you wanna \"live\" with and replace \" original\" version with marriage, it would makes proper sense!!!

by **Saira** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 1:14 pm

Why is that always females talk in favor of marriage, while many males talk in favor of live in relationships? Can\'t a girl get good education, have a career, live happily with her parents and siblings, and enjoy life. And then if you meet somebody who really loves you and treats you with respect then for sure you can get married. But, this does not happens at all. As a girl finishes her college she has to get married and be dependent on a man (husband). What type of security are we females looking by getting married? Why do we like to be so dependent on men? I think our society is shaped this way (again by men only). Men have created a society, which is more advantageous to them. They are good in suppressing women by marrying them or by having live in relationships. Why can’t they live by themselves? How many brides are burned for dowry, and how many wives commit suicide every year. In my opinion there are 3 things that keeps a marriage working. (1) Love and respect for each other. (2) Relatives’ and society’s pressure. (3) Women’s economic dependency. We Indians get very proud, oh. We have very low diverse rate. Believe me 2/3 of the reasons are society and economic dependency for having low divorce rate. The day us females become financially independent we will gain more respect and love in the society. That will be the end of bride burning and wives committing suicide.

by **Raj** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 1:56 pm

yeah... that\'s a good message saira. but ur emphasis on \'economic independence\' depends on the spouse understanding you better and Devi already mentioned that. if u get an understanding spouse, who knows your feelings, priorities better, then your objective of economic independence is attained. isn\'t it so?

by **vrinda** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 2:05 pm

I have the stongest statement I ever heard, and it was from a woman. \"Whenever men get tired of masturbation and look for sex, they go out of their way to propose to a woman and get married to her\". I have no opinion on this statement, it\'s just to spark a new vision for this debate.

by **kishoresudha** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 3:59 pm

hi vrinda, I had a feeling that you must have been waiting for my post as is evident in the title. But I still stand by my earlier statements. And your so called woman friend who told you about \"masturbation, sex and proposals\" must be one hell of a fool to analogise her experience of one male with every other males. Finally, I just want to sum it up since I have no interest in dwelling on these details again by saying,
\"A GOOD DIVORCE OR NEVER BEING MARRIED IS BETTER THAN A BAD MARRIAGE.\"

by **fun loving guy (Not a freak !!!!!)** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 4:33 pm

CAUTION!!! The topics are being diverted... with no destination.

by **oooppsss!!!!** » Thu Mar 13, 2003 5:55 pm

hey, you are true... how long will men do it? so ultimately they have to find something else. change is the way of life... and people also want a change at the age of 25 or so, so this is quite natural, vrinda...

by **anita** » Fri Mar 14, 2003 3:04 am

What the hell are you writing here? Please vrinda and kishoresudha, let us not divert from the topic.

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