This is for bimbette - Some humor after overdose of religion

[smack]

Hi all,



Not a discussion. In her post about "Why there are no good topics" bimbette was talking about religion being the only thing being discussed. And today I open the page and see several new topics on religion are added.



Anyways, jinko religion chahiye woh religion ke baarey mein padhe / likhe.



To lighten up the scene here, posting something light....



The 5 questions most feared by men are:



1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?



What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.



Question # 1: What are you thinking about?



The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."



This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:



a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"



Question # 2: Do you love me?



The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:



a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



Question # 3: Do I look fat?



The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:



a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?



Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:



a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 5: What would you do if I died?



A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and an airplane") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:



WOMAN: Would you get married again?



MAN: Definitely not!



WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?



MAN: Of course I do.



WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?



MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.



WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)



WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?



MAN: Where else would we sleep?



WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with

pictures of her?



MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?



MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed



WOMAN: - - - silence - - -



MAN: Oh shit.

[gyanster]

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Yeah, if you give that answer.. then you will get a response like..

You haven't been paying attention to me, it is Catch22 situation with girls..

[sp]

You are all not real Hindus , will Mayavi please stand up , longlive RSS longlive Modi ,why are we left out ,Hindooism gr8ts



Save me Save ah ahhhh....



sp

(soul searching)

[HH]

Try :


* Think ... Of YOU!
* Love ... YOU!!
* Look ... Your FAT Bank Balance ...
* She ... Lady Luck !?! ... Of Course ... Helped To HOOK You!
* AD ... See YOU ... In Another ...

[LMAO]

Save me Save ah ahhhh....

sp
(soul searching)

Looks like u are having an orgasm

[Bimbette]

Good god ! I could do without the publicity Smack !



To continue in the same vein as your fwd....the below is for people with a sense of humour



Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.





Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are...





Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.





Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would

hit the ground first?

A: Who cares?????.....





Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.





Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ? A: I don't know, I've never seen either.





Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: i) no mind ii) no business





Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .





Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...





Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no

intention of driving.





Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A: Exchange him!!





Q: Why do men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

[smack]

Same post twice..apologies...spelling error corrected in the second one.

The 'edit/delete' button is long overdue on the Boards.

LOL



This topic about 5 questions men fear most abt was not against women. Saying this because I thought u gave it back to men in ur reply.

[gyanster]

The Cost Of Woman



One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."



"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.



"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."



"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.



"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."



"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."



"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"



"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.



"Sounds great."



"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."



"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.



"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."



Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

[gyanster]

Bimbette, live up to your name and behave



Well here is some more Female Bashing for you...





Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.



Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.



Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?

A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.



Q: How do you fix a women's watch?

A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.



Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?

A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.



Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling

at the front door, which do you let in first?

A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.



Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who won't do what she's told.



Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.



Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.

[HH]

... rib ***** ...

Who Will Crib !?! ... About This ... The "rib" Tickler! - Thank You, "gyanster"!

[Peter Camenzind]

DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN



1. “Fine”

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)



2. “Five minutes”

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.



3. “Nothing”

“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”



4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”



5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.



6. “Loud Sigh”

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.

Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”



7. “Soft Sigh”

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.



8. “Oh”

This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.



9. “That’s Okay”

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.

“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.



10. “Please Do”

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”



11. “Thanks”

The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”



12. “Thanks A Lot”

Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

[smack]

LMAO



Thanks gyanster and PC for adding some very funny stuff. Now I guess we have to take something back from Bimbette

[smack]

One more for u guys....



WOMEN`S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you`ll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You`re in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You`re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?



MEN`S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Let`s have sex

5. I love you = Let`s have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I`d like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I`d like to have sex with you now

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I`d like to have sex with you here and now

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I`d like to have sex with you now and tommorow

[smack]

Gyanster proposing to Bimbette, knowing her fiery temper







Hey guys, just for humor......

[smack]

Childhood pic of CAD

[smack]

Good, bad and naughty girls



Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Naughty girls unbutton your pants.





Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini line.

Naughty girls wax your nut sack.





Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

Naughty girls do it with whips and chains.





Good girls wear white cotton panties.

Bad girls don't wear any.

Naughty girls don't really give a shit.





Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace ".





Good girls pack their toothbrush.

Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Naughty girls pack their dildos.





Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it.

Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.

Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection.





Good girls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Naughty girls make you wear high heels.





Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance.

Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Naughty girls have sex all over the place.





Good girls prefer the missionary position.

Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra.





Good girls say no.

Bad girls say when?

Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.





Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.

Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

[smack]

[HH]

Woes Of Men WoeMen WOMEN!

[gyanster]

I think Bimbette's gone to find some ammo against us all.

[ycr007]

Yahooza! What a welcome break from all the 'other' discussions!

Great going ppl!



That childhood pic of CAD Was way too good

[smack]

Yahooza! What a welcome break from all the 'other' discussions!
Great going ppl!

That childhood pic of CAD Was way too good

Thanks ycr007



Hope CAD would not mind me exposing his bewda childhood

[smack]

I think Bimbette's gone to find some ammo against us all.

U are safe, gyanster, with all that protective gear.



Yeah, I guess she is gonna strike back, with vengence

[a woman :)]

Hey, Here is another great one. I found it justifies 'our' typical personalites to the T which I felt was written with lots of fondness twds the women the author had in mind. and ofcourse, with lots of sense of humor.



Read along and let me know

# "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument
when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear
you argue any longer. It means that you should shut
up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

# "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's
an even trade.

# "Nothing"
Nothing" means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine."

# "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it
for permission, the result will be the woman will get
upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute"
discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

# "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up"
or "do what you want because I don't care." You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

# "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by
men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

# "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand. It means she is momentarily
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in
the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

# "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to
him about what you were doing last night." If she says
"Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window,
but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two
days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies
that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more
to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow.
"Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable
that I can't bring myself to write about them.

# "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she
wants to think long and hard before deciding what the
penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she
has had time to plan it out, you are in for some
mighty big trouble.

# "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is
giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for
what you have done. In other words, a chance to get
yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this
correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

# "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look
for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

# "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from
"Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is
really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by
the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her
in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing".

[gyanster]

If you had read the thread then you would have known that this has already been written.



But no one is stopping you from driving the point home.



No girls to defend themselves??

[smack]

Hey, Here is another great one. I found it justifies 'our' typical personalites to the T which I felt was written with lots of fondness twds the women the author had in mind. and ofcourse, with lots of sense of humor.

Read along and let me know

Woman,



Looks like u did not read the whole thread. This is already posted.



Anyways, thanks for trying