Do intelligent women intimidate guys?

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

...she wants to be the chosen one of a very well-equipped, smart, intelligent man.

I think that's true of men, too. Many men would like to marry successful women. To feel that they were the chosen ones.



But actually, what you say is right. Perhaps once the initial headiness comes down and you start to face everyday life, where it's clear that she gets more bhaav in society, the shit slowly starts to hit the ceiling - especially when insensitive outsiders start passing certain callous remarks now and then, intentionally or otherwise.



Or other small things, like when people start paying more attention to what she's saying in a social gathering than what he is, merely politely acknowledging his comments. Or perhaps not even seeking his opinion at times when they do hers.



The big danger, I think, happens when smarter guys than her start showing interest in her, and she starts even preening in it, forget reciprocating. For her, it is perhaps a realization of the same dream you spoke of - a smarter and more successful man than her desiring her, which is quite flattering.



She might be ethical enough to stay loyal, and perhaps even forgets about it right there, but the slightest wrong word or expression sets the alarm bells ringing off for the man, the trust is lost, she starts facing questions and snide remarks on even non-existent intentions, and the relationship starts going irreversibly downhill.



You can't help pity the man, since there is nothing he can do to turn smarter or more successful than the other suiters - God help a man whose girl/wife is being wooed by someone much more accomplished (and for those snickering, there's a smarter, better-looking and more successful man than every man ).



A girl in such a situation has to take enormous care to both (a) be loyal, and (b) demonstrate through elaborate and continuous communication and actions that she is loyal, that she doesn't care. It reminds me of Indecent Proposal. In Indecent Proposal, one of the reasons that the Demi-Woody relationship breaks down is that Demi Moore simply cannot understand how Woody's mind is working after the "night", and starts being self-respecting when his insecurities cause him to start asking questions and passing comments. Big mistake.



You could argue that all of this is true even in cases where the girl's man himself is smarter than her, and the other guy is just smarter. Sure, but the case exists even for the topic of this thread.



Even if you keep outsiders out, a smarter woman will slowly start to "accommodate" her man in situations where she knows he's being immature or stupid, with small gestures like not getting into arguments, or ending them quickly accepting defeat, simply because she thinks an argument with him gets nowhere. That hurts the man more when he slowly realizes it.



Even if the woman has great integrity, she cannot save this thing for long if she does not have complete love for her man, and communicates and acts in all the right ways. And if she does not have integrity, ah, someone is going to be blowing smoke rings very soon .



The moral of the story is, women should not be smarter than men for the greater good of the world .

[Lady with the Lamp]

...she wants to be the chosen one of a very well-equipped, smart, intelligent man.

I think that's true of men, too. Many men would like to marry successful women. To feel that they were the chosen ones.

She might be ethical enough to stay loyal, and perhaps even forgets about it right there, but the slightest wrong word or expression sets the alarm bells ringing off for the man, the trust is lost, she starts facing questions and snide remarks on even non-existent intentions, and the relationship starts going irreversibly downhill.

Even if the woman has great integrity, she cannot save this thing for long if she does not have complete love for her man, and communicates and acts in all the right ways. And if she does not have integrity, ah, someone is going to be blowing smoke rings very soon .

The moral of the story is, women should not be smarter than men for the greater good of the world .

In this case the smarter wife may handle her relation well enough, but she will lack the excitement. She may love her man, adore him but will never be mad/crazy about him.



Very true!





PMoW, you've raised some very good points. A woman who's a notch above her man in respects such as looks, intelligence etc. can do only so much to keep the relationship going. I think it calls for a very secure man to be with a woman who he knows is better than him and yet glow with pride when he hears her getting appreciation.



"A girl in such a situation has to take enormous care to both (a) be loyal, and (b) demonstrate through elaborate and continuous communication and actions that she is loyal, that she doesn't care."



This will not work for long as rightly pointed out. Sooner or later the green-eyed monster will raise its ugly head and a woman (in most cases) is doomed to a life of compromise.



On another note, they say intelligent women make wrong choices when it comes to choosing their life partners. Had it not been for real life cases that I've seen, I would have thought it's all faff.



"Intelligent women being put down insensitively by their partners on numerous occasions". Makes a spectator wonder whether sticking on to make such marriages/relationships work is really worth it.

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

I think it calls for a very secure man to be with a woman who he knows is better than him and yet glow with pride when he hears her getting appreciation.

I do not think security is an inborn trait. Even a highly successful man can feel insecure in a relationship with a lesser accomplished woman. And even a man who was secure for a while can start feeling insecure.



Security for a man in a relationship with a smarter woman comes from the efforts of both sides.



The man's effort should be in accepting that the woman is smarter than him. And in treating her as a friend who he respects as a separate individual.



Before talking of the woman's effort, a simple theory of mine.



Person A feels happy about the success of B if:



(a) A loves B unconditionally (e. g. mother-son, saints, people trying to evolve spiritually), or

(b) A stands to gain from the success of B.



I think that covers anything you can think of.



For example, when you are friends with a person, you are happy for his success either since he might help you, or since you just like him (either (b) or (a), respectively).



If this relation suddenly sours, then you do not want this same person to be successful because (at least in your perception) you stand to lose from his success - he can gloat more, even if it's through acting like he's really not thinking about it. And if he's less successful than you, he will feel inferior to you, and you can then gloat more, even if it's through acting like you're really not thinking about it .



Basically, you now stand to gain from this person being unsuccessful, and you do not stand to gain from this person being successful, and you thus do not fall into any category.



(BTW, we're strictly keeping saints and wannabe saints out of all this.)



This is true of soured man/woman relationships too. You suddenly do not want the person who you were rooting for till yesterday, to succeed now, since you want to be more successful than the other person now (i. e. you do not want the other person to succeed) so that he/she realizes what he/she lost, and will want to come back.



You do not stand to gain from his/her success any more. You actually stand to gain from his/her failure.



So you do not fall into either category.



Again, we are talking average humans in the 2 paras above. If you wish for the well-being of even someone you've broken up with, or at least want to wish for that despite your hurt emotions (since it feels a noble thing to do), you fall into category (a). The rule is never violated.



So, coming back to what efforts the woman must put in.



The woman needs to put in efforts only if the man does not love her unconditionally, and so does not fall into category (a).



Few men (or even women) love unconditionally, from my experience.



So most women in this situation (woman smarter than man) need to put in efforts to make their men gain from their success, thereby making the man fall into category (b).



How does a woman make a man she's in a relationship with, gain from her success?



By continuously making him feel that he is No. 1 in her life, above all else. And that she loves him so much, nobody can compare.



When a man knows this - and is sure of this through her history and demonstrated actions - she becomes part of him. And then, he is proud of the fact that such an intelligent and successful woman cannot see beyond him.



That gives him pride. The more successful she is, the prouder he is. Like you said, he will glow with pride when she receives appreciation.



Then, the woman should be truthful. Even one lie can make everything else seem untruthful, make her words ring hollow.



Isn't it hard for the woman to put such effort all through a lifetime?



Firstly, it should not have to be effort.



If the woman does not actually feel that way, the relationship will never sizzle, and should never start. There is no point trying to fake this - it will come out some time.



If you are already in a relationship like this (e. g. it was an arranged marriage), however, and ending it will cause too much grief, then the onus is mostly on the woman to manage the man's ego. Yes, for a lifetime.



As time progresses, however, the man will settle down, rock-solid love builds in, and he will not think much of this any more. So it need not be a lifetime.



On the whole, societal make-up and history put enormous pressure on a man who is married to a smarter woman. It is unfortunate, but the pressure is on the woman to battle this, since the man cannot do much.

[Tyro]

... It is unfortunate, but the pressure is on the woman to battle this, since the man cannot do much.

The man can put in an effort to get smarter .. What are those self-help books for ? I've seen cases where a person has changed drastically, at least to appearances.. as in, it's always possible that this man was already good inside, but it never showed up, even to his closest ones, due to several reasons. Possibly the environment where he grew up as a child was not stimulating .. may be he had been through too secure a childhood to make for a sharp mind ( which frictions in life bring otherwise ) ... I don't want to delve into human psychology here as it's out of bounds for this topic. But yes it's possible that, later in his life, he can bump into situations which make him see the light. May be his marriage to a smarter woman itself is the turning point. I believe there is still hope for the woman. It's just that she has to be patient, and indeed smart enough to make her man see how it has to be. Where there is true love, miracles do happen.

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

... It is unfortunate, but the pressure is on the woman to battle this, since the man cannot do much.

The man can put in an effort to get smarter .. What are those self-help books for ? I've seen cases where a person has changed drastically, at least to appearances.. as in, it's always possible that this man was already good inside, but it never showed up, even to his closest ones, due to several reasons. Possibly the environment where he grew up as a child was not stimulating .. may be he had been through too secure a childhood to make for a sharp mind ( which frictions in life bring otherwise ) ... I don't want to delve into human psychology here as it's out of bounds for this topic. But yes it's possible that, later in his life, he can bump into situations which make him see the light. May be his marriage to a smarter woman itself is the turning point. I believe there is still hope for the woman. It's just that she has to be patient, and indeed smart enough to make her man see how it has to be. Where there is true love, miracles do happen.

While that may be a valid solution in some cases, with all due respect, I am not sure it addresses the topic, which states as a given that the woman is smarter.



What you have suggested risks making the man compete to catch up with the woman, and if he cannot nearly make it, frustration might creep in, widening the chasm further. Not all men can handle failure the same way. If the man has the maturity to handle this failure, the problem would not arise in the first place.



The more practical effort from the man's side, as I pointed out earlier, is for him to accept that the woman is smarter, and respect her for it instead of competing (though he can always try to improve himself). Any man can do this, while several men in such relationships have perhaps already reached the peak of their competence, and so cannot take the other path - trying self-improvement.

[PWOW]

...she wants to be the chosen one of a very well-equipped, smart, intelligent man.

I think that's true of men, too. Many men would like to marry successful women. To feel that they were the chosen ones.

But actually, what you say is right. Perhaps once the initial headiness comes down and you start to face everyday life, where it's clear that she gets more bhaav in society, the shit slowly starts to hit the ceiling - especially when insensitive outsiders start passing certain callous remarks now and then, intentionally or otherwise.

Or other small things, like when people start paying more attention to what she's saying in a social gathering than what he is, merely politely acknowledging his comments. Or perhaps not even seeking his opinion at times when they do hers.

The big danger, I think, happens when smarter guys than her start showing interest in her, and she starts even preening in it, forget reciprocating. For her, it is perhaps a realization of the same dream you spoke of - a smarter and more successful man than her desiring her, which is quite flattering.

She might be ethical enough to stay loyal, and perhaps even forgets about it right there, but the slightest wrong word or expression sets the alarm bells ringing off for the man, the trust is lost, she starts facing questions and snide remarks on even non-existent intentions, and the relationship starts going irreversibly downhill.

You can't help pity the man, since there is nothing he can do to turn smarter or more successful than the other suiters - God help a man whose girl/wife is being wooed by someone much more accomplished (and for those snickering, there's a smarter, better-looking and more successful man than every man ).

A girl in such a situation has to take enormous care to both (a) be loyal, and (b) demonstrate through elaborate and continuous communication and actions that she is loyal, that she doesn't care. It reminds me of Indecent Proposal. In Indecent Proposal, one of the reasons that the Demi-Woody relationship breaks down is that Demi Moore simply cannot understand how Woody's mind is working after the "night", and starts being self-respecting when his insecurities cause him to start asking questions and passing comments. Big mistake.

You could argue that all of this is true even in cases where the girl's man himself is smarter than her, and the other guy is just smarter. Sure, but the case exists even for the topic of this thread.

Even if you keep outsiders out, a smarter woman will slowly start to "accommodate" her man in situations where she knows he's being immature or stupid, with small gestures like not getting into arguments, or ending them quickly accepting defeat, simply because she thinks an argument with him gets nowhere. That hurts the man more when he slowly realizes it.

Even if the woman has great integrity, she cannot save this thing for long if she does not have complete love for her man, and communicates and acts in all the right ways. And if she does not have integrity, ah, someone is going to be blowing smoke rings very soon .

The moral of the story is, women should not be smarter than men for the greater good of the world .

I can't beleive I am reading this, esp from PMOW; I always had the notion he was amongst the more evolved and mature human beings in this discussion forum. It is not the woman's fault if she is smart. Or are you confusing smart and intelligent woman to being good looking ? There are exceptionally smart women around, who are not so good looking, but tend to have their own set of insecurities when it comes to their relationships.



Year 2006 is coming to an end and we still have men thinking like you! That is such a pity. I know of a lady, very kind and generous and extremely cultured and pious, who is an engineer. Throughout her life, she earned more than her husband. She was more qualified than her husband. They were married for close to 30 years had two kids, one son (who is extremely hot and successful) and one daughter. How do you think their marriage lasted so long?



"Even if you keep outsiders out, a smarter woman will slowly start to "accommodate" her man in situations where she knows he's being immature or stupid, with small gestures like not getting into arguments, or ending them quickly accepting defeat, simply because she thinks an argument with him gets nowhere. That hurts the man more when he slowly realizes it."





And according to PMOW, no matter what the "smart" woman does, the man has to have problems and is entitled to his insecurities. THAT IS SO UNFAIR. After all that, there are people like PMOW, who pray to Goddess Durga, and yet treat women in a derogatory way,,i.e. for greater good it is better if women are dumber!





One should be happy that they are associated with someone who is smarter then him/her. There is so much to learn in the relationship. I am a woman, the reason why I would want to be with a person smarter than me is so that I can learn something from him. This just doesn't apply to relationships alone, but also in workplace. I cannot tolerate my boss being dumber than me, I would be happy if I am put in a group full of competent people... So where is the question of intimidation. If I am associated with a woman who is way smarter than me, I would be thrilled (not so thrilled if she were dumber but far more prettier than me.)



In a relationship (between two smart people or one smart and other dumb, doesnt matter) everything boils down to mutual growth. I am sure there is something to learn from the other person all the time. It is a pity, if you fail to see that and get tied up in silly insecurities. You have no idea what you have lost!

[I is eloquent]

The moral of the story is, women should not be smarter than men for the greater good of the world

Year 2006 is coming to an end and we still have men thinking like you!

PWOW, to take the broad brush and make a general statement like the one I quoted from PMOW, you should always take the stereotypes in the populace into consideration.



By your own words "I can't beleive I am reading this, esp from PMOW; I always had the notion he was amongst the more evolved and mature human beings in this discussion forum", you admit that not everyone thinks like PMOW who is supposedly more evolved in his thinking.



And it is really hard to make a generalized statement only encompassing exceptional cases. PMOW's statement is closer to reality and is more practical considering the collective thinking of average man now-a-days.



Let's say ten years from now, men have smaller egos, and the society is more tolerant towards intellectual equality of man and a woman in a relationship then yes, he would be wrong in saying so. But given the general circumstances I would have to agree with PMOW.



And I absolutely do not deny the exceptional cases like you have pointed out with your example couple. More power to them. We need more couples and relationships like that. I personally have no worries being with a woman who is more intellectually smarter than me. That just means I can be more lazy in my thinking

[decemberdrift]

Was just wondering....is this true ?.....even if you are the intellectual sort, would you feel threatened if you meet a girl/woman who knows more than you.......I'd appreciate honest answers.

Do not agree... my wife is at a senior position than me.. earns more than me.. still love her tons

[Lady with the Lamp]

Was just wondering....is this true ?.....even if you are the intellectual sort, would you feel threatened if you meet a girl/woman who knows more than you.......I'd appreciate honest answers.

Do not agree... my wife is at a senior position than me.. earns more than me.. still love her tons

Heartening to hear that and I have to add that your tribe is a minority....don't mean to play devil's advocate but I hope your wife's really happy with you too!

[Mark]

my dear..lady..it would hurt..especially if you are a Leo...it would really take a very strong common bond...to keep me together with that lady....but you know one thing??? Girls/woman are really smart...if they love you and even if they are more knowledgeable than you are..they would underplay that & let the man play the Hero.... ofcourse.... women/girls are more mature when it comes to handling their superiority...they don'tl like to flaunt it like men....so they sure make their men comfortable....& a smart man will know that & love her more for the same..



make no mistake...i'm not a girl/woman ...haa haa...i just know it..

[HH]

Doubly Bossed ...

Call No Man Bossless

Every Man Is

Doubly Bossed ... !

Boss-At-Office

Boss-At-Home!

Doubly Fated Is "Officer"

Who Has "Lady Boss"!





[/i]

[Serif_Canada]

I don't feel intimidated by intelligent girls...only because I am more intelligent.



Relax. Just a joke and probably not even true.



But no. I hold high value for intelligence. Always try to keep intelligent company.

[hau]

I don't feel intimidated by intelligent girls...only because I am more intelligent.

Relax. Just a joke and probably not even true.

But no. I hold high value for intelligence. Always try to keep intelligent company.

Intelligence by itself is a broad term. Intelligence is of different types. Beauty fades but intelligence more than makes up for it.

[helper]

hey, i am coming on this board aft'a long gap



not sure watto say..........



intelligent celeb females, shirin bhan of cnbc, and of'crs barkha dutt.



i also find bipasha basu much more smatter than kareena...



hey whatsay ?

[Rout man]

No i wouldnt feel intimidated coz a conversation with an intelligent women is more meaningfull.....and great learning takes place......

[Nikhil Acharya]

It really differs from one guy to the next. If the guy is confident and secure, intelligence in a woman would be more of a plus point than an intimidating one. I feel this applies to both men and women..

[grandmaster505]

I'd rather admire an intelligent woman than be blessed with the volatility of a dumb one.