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bad marriage. advise pls?

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by KK » Fri May 19, 2006 12:39 pm

Arch wrote:
KK wrote:
Arch wrote:BTW, w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?

I thought guyz would become less smart with marriage, isn't it true :lol:


Is it? do let me kno if and whenever u r there. Please?

:)




K sure that dont blame me if I prove myself correct :)
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by CtrlAltDel » Fri May 19, 2006 12:49 pm

KK wrote:
CtrlAltDel wrote:
Arch wrote:...w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?
right! my wife ensured it happened to me :)
Did you mean to reply to my message? :D
i dont know...i am confused... :?
wtf? i no longer care if my posts hurt yr feelings :roll:
Love me or hate me, u cant ignore me :D
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by Arch » Fri May 19, 2006 7:08 pm

CtrlAltDel wrote:
KK wrote:
CtrlAltDel wrote:
Arch wrote:...
w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?
right! my wife ensured it happened to me :)
Did you mean to reply to my message? :D
i dont know...i am confused... :?


I am not confused, cad. I know u answered my question since I know that you had always been smart on these boards .

Arch wrote:

BTW, w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?
KK wrote:
I thought guyz would become less smart with marriage, isn't it true Laughing

Arch wrote:
Is it? do let me kno if and whenever u r there. Please?

Smile

KK wrote:
K sure that dont blame me if I prove myself correct




try us KK :lol:



anyways, shall we not banter on this thread? It might appear as

insensitive of us to 'help'.
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by mango » Sat May 20, 2006 10:06 am

hmm.. my first reaction would be to beat the shit out of your husband since i've been raised to never allow violence against women (forgive me feminists, for i am being supposedly chauvinist). anyway, getting back to the point... if it has gotten physically abusive, i would strongly reccomend a divorce (ustaad's suggestion) and a lawsuit for assault. now, i dont know how that works out in india.. hopefully pretty well? but dont take any more shit from him. it will only fuel the abuse and that is wrong. if you know someone that is bigger, stronger, etc than your husband, thats always a plus. let them know and see if they can give him a taste of his own medicine.



my $0.02
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by For the happiness you deserve. » Sat May 20, 2006 12:29 pm

I've read a few of the posts here and can't say I agree with the brevity of the statements.



The condition you find yourself in is not a trivial one. However, for your sake and for the sake of your child, drastic actions seem to be the call of the day!



I assume, here, that you have tried talking/reasoning with your husband and that he continues to be a first-class (excuse me) jerk. In that case, I see no reason why you should subject yourself to further abuse and possibly jeopardise your child's mental peace and growth as well.



Speaking from personal experience, a child takes one's parent's fights extremely seriously. I think it safe to state that he will be more traumatised watching his mother abused by his father than he will growing up through a divorce/separation and a single parent. Also, the answers to questions such as, "Why did my parents split up?", are somewhat easier to give as compared to, "Why does my father abuse my mother physically and emotionally?"



As a mother, you obviously care and love your child. But, you must also think of yourself. If your husband is out of reasoning-range, there is very little in this world that should make you want to give him the time of day.
'Though they go mad, they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
And Death shall have no dominion.'
(Thomas, Dylan)
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by For the happiness you deserve. » Sat May 20, 2006 12:33 pm

I've read a few of the posts here and can't say I agree with the brevity of the statements.



The condition you find yourself in is not a trivial one. However, for your sake and for the sake of your child, drastic actions seem to be the call of the day!



I assume, here, that you have tried talking/reasoning with your husband and that he continues to be a first-class (excuse me) jerk. In that case, I see no reason why you should subject yourself to further abuse and possibly jeopardise your child's mental peace and growth as well.



Speaking from personal experience, a child takes one's parent's fights extremely seriously. I think it safe to state that he will be more traumatised watching his mother abused by his father than he will growing up through a divorce/separation and a single parent. Also, the answers to questions such as, "Why did my parents split up?", are somewhat easier to give as compared to, "Why does my father abuse my mother physically and emotionally?"



As a mother, you obviously care and love your child. But, you must also think of yourself. If your husband is out of reasoning-range, there is very little in this world that should make you want to give him the time of day.
'Though they go mad, they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
And Death shall have no dominion.'
(Thomas, Dylan)
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by Arch » Sat May 20, 2006 10:41 pm

Help, I am sending some websites which will be of use to you in regards to your situation. try them out.

http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/selfassess.htm





Are you a victim of domestic violence?

If you're uncertain, the following questions could help you examine a partner's behavior.

Does your partner:

* Threaten you or your loved ones?
* Break your belongings?
* Use guilt trips on you to have his or way?
* Humiliate you in public or private?
* Make you feel as if you should not go out with or contact friends and family?
* Push, hit, choke or slap you?
* Restrain you using force?
* Apologize after being violent and yet repeat the behavior?
* Blame you for his or her temper or behavior?
* Wrongly accuse you of doing something?
* Pressure or force you to have sex?
* Ignore your feelings?
* Withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment?
* Continually criticize you, call you names and/or shout at you?
* Abandon you in a dangerous place?

If your answer is "Yes" to one or more of the above, you may be involved in an abusive relationship. If you have concerns for yourself or someone you know, please call the Abused Adult Resource Center for more information. Remember, the responsibility for the abusive behavior rests with the abuser. You cannot make another person emotionally or physically harm you, but you can hold him/her accountable.


Here are some suggestions to protect you and keep you safe in abusive situations.

http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/safety.htm

Safety During An Explosive Incident

* If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in an area that has access to an exit and not in a bathroom, kitchen, or anywhere near weapons.
* Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be best.
* Have a packed bag ready and keep it in an undisclosed but accessible place in order to leave quickly.
* Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
* Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends, and neighbors when you need the police.
* Decide and plan for where you will go if you have to leave home (even if you don't think you will need to).
* Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
* Always remember - YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED!

peace dove Safety When Preparing To Leave

* Open a savings account in your own name to establish or increase your independence.
* Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
* Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
* Keep the domestic violence crisis line phone number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card with you at all times for emergency phone calls.
* Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. REMEMBER -- LEAVING YOUR BATTERER CAN BE THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME.

peace dove Safety In Your Own Home

* Change the locks on your doors as soon as possible. Buy additional locks and safety devices to secure your windows.
* Discuss a safety plan with your children for when you are not with them.
* Inform your children's school, day care, etc. about who has permission to pick up your children.
* Inform neighbors and landlords that your partner no longer lives with you and that they should call the police if they see him near your home.

peace dove Safety With A Protective Order

* Keep your protective order with you at all times. (When you change your purse, that should be the first thing that goes in it).
* Call the police if your partner breaks the protective order.
* Think of alternative ways to keep safe in case the police do not respond right away.
* Inform family, friends, neighbors that you have a protective order in effect

peace dove Safety On The Job And In Public

* Decide who at work you will inform of your situation. This should include office or building security (provide a picture of your batterer if possible).
* Arrange to have someone screen your telephone calls if possible.
* Devise a safety plan for when you leave work. Have someone escort you to your car. Use a variety of routes to go home if possible. Think about what you would do if something happened while going home (i.e., in your car, on the bus, etc.).

peace dove Your Safety & Emotional Health

* If you are thinking of returning to a potentially abusive situation, discuss your options with someone you trust. If you choose to return, make sure to have a safety plan.
* If you have to communicate with your partner, determine the safest way to do so.
* Have positive thoughts about yourself and be assertive with others about your needs.
* Read books, articles, and poems to help you feel stronger.
* Decide who you can call to talk with freely and openly and who will give you the support you need.
* Plan to attend a women's or victim's support group for at least two weeks to gain support from others and learn more about yourself and the relationship.

If you have concerns for yourself or someone you know, please call the Abused Adult Resource Center for more information. Remember, the responsibility for the abusive behavior rests with the abuser. You cannot make another person emotionally or physically harm you, but you can hold him/her accountable.
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hmm

by well » Sun May 21, 2006 11:55 am

Hello



well i believe splitting isnt a wise thing to do..



indeed he is money minded and is not having time for u and ur kid...



but is it worth just ending u r marriage...



why dont u talk to him or involve the family elders..



try to find out whats going on and why is he so..



i believe that ending is easy....while sticking to the relationship and helping each other out ...talking and also understanding ...keeping u r egos aside will really help u a lot..



i suggest u talk to u r parents and his parents and involve the elklders/..



:) bye hope it helps
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by mango » Sun May 21, 2006 10:33 pm

umm.. just a note. the bastard physically abused her. you think splitting up is the easy way out? it is actually the hard thing to do, albeit right for her as well as her child. what is "involving the elders" gonna do?
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by Mom/Arch » Mon May 22, 2006 2:52 am

mango wrote:umm.. just a note. the bastard physically abused her. you think splitting up is the easy way out? it is actually the hard thing to do, albeit right for her as well as her child. what is "involving the elders" gonna do?




Bete! any society, when based on 'family and its values' has immense importance to its elders and their wisdom.





They 'could' have acquired this wisdom for the sheer reason of having lived a certain kind of life based on certain morals, values, beliefs and experiences. Just the ways you have become wiser from your 16th birthday to 17th and from 17th to todate.



Ofcourse, I do not certainly say every 17 year old or every elder will definetly have all the wisdom needed by everybody in every field at a given time! :)



Having made that clear to you:

'Help' would 'know' if her parents/in-laws or somebody from the enitre family have such a say where her husband can be made to see that he is going to loose his wife and child, if he continues his sick behaviour.



He will be all alone in this whole wide world. Nobody nice would want to be around him for the sick man that he is now and for the sicker man that he surely is going to get. If he is a sick man and with lots of money, then those of them who are similarly sick and want money will gather around him. Not for him !



'Help' is being physically abused by her own husband ! He is the one who is supposed to be protecting her: his wife, his child's mother, right? He is the one who is supposed to be a a standing example for his son ! But, what is he teaching his child ! Beating ! bad mouthing ! that money is more important than family !



If he does not get his act together, like yesterday, he will loose his family and his peace today onwards.



This is what a firm, strong elder might be able to put across to him without arguments and physical violence, hopefully?
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Divorce in extreme cases only

by Krisk » Mon May 22, 2006 10:00 am

I advice divorce in extreme cases only



Regards

Kris

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start your own accounting software consultancy
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by mango » Mon May 22, 2006 11:43 am

i understand your line of thought.. but i really dont see any out to being a wifebeater. i mean, thats pretty much the end. no question about what who is going to tell him. he should be thrown out of the house.. alimony, the whole package for the wife and child. i think you guys are cutting him too much slack.
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by raj » Mon May 22, 2006 1:51 pm

being 10 years in married life with a ten year old son,i guess your age is nearly 32+.i can understand the situation which you go through the physical assult and mental harrasment.and impacts of this odd situation on your growing son.

well..when you are financially independent you can go thrugh the separation..but keep in mind..this step is to be taken when yo feel the moment you are in is the last moment to live under your husbands roof.at the very extreme of it..you may decide that you have to be independent.

and mind well don't go to your mother's place.even if she know about your problem don't opt for this. because at this moment she won't be in a situation to handle a married daughter living with her.she will have to answer everyone in the society.you can choose to live in the same city where your mother lives but don't share her house for living.and mind well after separation don't opt for second marriage.here after if you choose to live independent..choose to be single parent.

well...i have much more to suggest but..if you tell me actual things..then i will definately give you suggessions.

wish you good luck...hope everything goes normal without separation.

do feel free to write.

RAJ
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by Mom/Arch » Mon May 22, 2006 7:21 pm

mango wrote:i understand your line of thought.. but i really dont see any out to being a wifebeater. i mean, thats pretty much the end. no question about what who is going to tell him. he should be thrown out of the house.. alimony, the whole package for the wife and child. i think you guys are cutting him too much slack.




Ofcourse, we are cutting slack, and a lot of it at that, for the simple reason that there is a child involved, bete. But for that, my suggestion would have been 'not even a second thought too' to the marriage for the jerk that he is being. It would have bee the same reaction from 'help' and her parents too.



For a child to grow healthy, a complete (mom-dad), secured, loving home is a must. Out of the three , the child does not seem to be getting two: security and the love. That is how I suggested 'help' to talk to her husband ASAP. Hoping that the man can see it. If he cannot, it is quits.





Yes, as you suggested, child support and the rest of the package is a minimum least what the courts can give in the form of justice to the child.
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by ustaad » Tue May 23, 2006 1:43 am

help wrote:Please...I'd appreciate it only if there are any mature suggestions.






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by Rachel » Tue May 23, 2006 1:59 pm

I sure ope she's considering all the stuff that's been said here....
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by raj » Tue May 23, 2006 2:01 pm

i am waiting for your reply..i have lots of suggestion which can solve yor problem...if you wish cantact me on raj494@hotmail.com
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by WTF??? HP » Thu May 25, 2006 2:20 am

raj wrote:i am waiting for your reply..i have lots of suggestion which can solve yor problem...if you wish cantact me on raj494@hotmail.com




You can post those "suggestions" in public like everyone else, can't you? Let everyone benefit.
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by help » Thu May 25, 2006 2:52 am

Hi



My husband and I are seriously considering counselling and are looking for a good therapist. We've spent a lot of time discussing our relationship and I know that I would like everything to work out. My parents have assured me their full support whatever my decision might be.

Arch, I sent you a PM a few days ago...guess you haven't checked it out.

I would like to write to you in more detail but haven't been able to get into that frame of mind.



Thanks everyone.
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by Arch » Thu May 25, 2006 7:56 am

help wrote:Hi

My husband and I are seriously considering counselling and are looking for a good therapist. We've spent a lot of time discussing our relationship and I know that I would like everything to work out. My parents have assured me their full support whatever my decision might be.
Arch, I sent you a PM a few days ago...guess you haven't checked it out.
I would like to write to you in more detail but haven't been able to get into that frame of mind.

Thanks everyone.




Wow, that is a great start, 'help'. A good lot of healthy discussions with the help of a family therapist will put all the issues into the right perspective. Moreover, having your parents support is of immense strength. You must already be feeling a lot more at ease, infact.



Congrats on this huge step, it surley would have needed a lot from you and the rest of your family. All the best..



No, I did not get any message from you, yet. I check them each time that I come to fullhyd.



my email id is archdash@yahoo.com.
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by CtrlAltDel » Thu May 25, 2006 3:36 pm

Arch wrote:my email id is archdash@yahoo.com.
never give yr mailid in a public forum dear arch. u cud have PM'ed it.



btw, u oriya?
wtf? i no longer care if my posts hurt yr feelings :roll:
Love me or hate me, u cant ignore me :D
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by Arch » Thu May 25, 2006 7:20 pm

CtrlAltDel wrote:
Arch wrote:my email id is archdash@yahoo.com.
never give yr mailid in a public forum dear arch. u cud have PM'ed it.

btw, u oriya?




Thanks. that was thotful of you. I knew abt not giving my mail id on public forums. But, there seems to be some problem w/ my PM, cad !!

I understand, 'help' tried to PM and I am yet to get it!! Thought I will open a new emailid just for 'help, and then go from there :) (thot that, that IS being public forum savvy!)



Even that is a no no? :oops:



Oh well. there is always a delete key and a spam option, I guess?

:shock:



I am a telugu, from Himayat Nagar, Hyderabad :)

what made you think I could be an oriya?
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by Arch » Thu May 25, 2006 7:31 pm

help wrote:Hi

My husband and I are seriously considering counselling and are looking for a good therapist. We've spent a lot of time discussing our relationship and I know that I would like everything to work out. My parents have assured me their full support whatever my decision might be.
Arch, I sent you a PM a few days ago...guess you haven't checked it out.
I would like to write to you in more detail but haven't been able to get into that frame of mind.

Thanks everyone.




I pm ed myself and checked it out, 'help'. I got the msg. no probs w/ it. try this one out again.
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by CtrlAltDel » Fri May 26, 2006 11:41 am

Arch wrote:what made you think I could be an oriya?
:D

just yr mailid "archdash". "Dash" is a common oriya surname.
wtf? i no longer care if my posts hurt yr feelings :roll:
Love me or hate me, u cant ignore me :D
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Stay away from western feminist nuts...

by K! » Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:47 am

The western feminist nits will always find fault with husbands.

The best way to approach the problem will be to introspect yourself on where you may be going wrong. Every problem has equal contribution from either of the spouse and the best chance one has is to change yourself than the other person. Please try to sort out differences by carefully looking at where you or hm may be failing.



Physical violence may be result of some other abuse inflicted unknowingly by you on your spouse. For men emotional and verbal abuse is more severe than physical one.



I hope the two of you can resolve differences amicably. In the rarest of cases you plan to divorce, please consider this decision over a period of time and consider all the consequences. Do not take the decision in haste or on getting excited by westers feminists. These feminists made whore of themselves but want others to follow their foot steps.
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