Beware Of A*N*J*U*M Syndrome
Disclaimer-1: The name ANJUM is fictitious, but any resemblance to any persons name living (or dead) may be considered purely unintentional.
Disclaimer-2: This Article is intended for both male and female. I tried to express my feelings after living with a person with this problem. As there is NOBODY, including me, is perfect in this world, but given chance a Normal person will try to correct his/her mistakes or shortcomings and improve their marital life. This article attempts to discover the habits/ attitudes, which wreck our life, if we don’t check it before it’s too late.
(Learnt from past relationship)
ANJUM Syndrome, explained in detail:
(*A*) for Adamant Person:
This person resists, whether his or her reasons are valid or not.
A person who is utterly unyielding in attitude or opinion in spite of all appeals, urgings, etc. Never give a second chance and listen to parents or elders for advice. Always think their way or show the highway. Many relationships falter on stubbornness (Adamant nature of a person). Graves have been dug with the words, "I'm right." I had to get divorce from an Adamant Person who was always right – absolutely, retroactively right, even when she wasn't there and you were! She had to divorce her husband at a young age, poor soul. Bless her; she spent her short married life, insecure life proving every nit-picking point. It would have been the end of her warped world to have been proven wrong. Perhaps definitions are in order here:
1. Decisiveness; 2. Positiveness; and 3. Stubbornness.
Decisiveness is the ability to come to a decision, make an effective choice and mentally resolve a conflict by taking view of what your Religion, culture, society and most importantly the advice of Parents or Guardians. Positiveness is an extension of decisiveness: the person takes a firm stand on a decision and rules out mistakes and doubts. This person is often accused of being stubborn when in effect he has simply made up his mind on a conviction he feels is legitimate after he has thoroughly researched and thought out the problem.
But the ADAMANT person! These folks are right come high water, the Quran, the Encyclopedia, and 50 million lawyers to prove them wrong. This person resists, whether his or her reasons are valid or not. The adamant person can't stand to lose face; ergo, s/he is always right, which is ludicrous, for who can be always absolutely right? On the other hand, the healthily positive person is willing to listen to reason and change his/her mind. After all, who wants to be proven wrong all the time?
(*N*) for Negative Thinking.
‘Negativities’ cripples the human spirit
Does it seem strange that some people COMPLAIN they don’t have enough TIME to be happy, yet they find enough time to be sad? Not really. You see, their deplorable plight has nothing to do with having sufficient or insufficient time. It has everything to do with complaining. After all, complaining is the negation of happiness. It’s impossible to complain and be happy at the same time. So, beware of that insidious disease known as ‘negativities’ (negative thinking). It is as pervasive as the common cold, but far more damaging. It mutilates, cripples, and corrodes the human spirit. Those infected by it are broken men and women aimlessly plodding along. So, let’s review the effects of negativities.
1. Complaining is worse than doing nothing, for it is digging the rut one is in deeper and deeper. Each time one complains, it becomes increasingly difficult to climb out of the ditch they’ve created. To loosen the grip of this vicious habit, we need to become aware of our complaining, stop it in its tracks, and immediately look for something positive to say. It’s just a matter of replacing a bad habit with a good one.
2. A negative attitude is self-defeating. We won’t find solutions to life’s problems by looking for someone or something to blame.
3. Failure to do what you want to do (be happy) causes physical and mental stress. A rotten attitude, not only delays success, but also shortens life by damaging the immune system. So, besides the diseases directly caused by stress, such as heart disease and ulcers.
4. Do you know anyone with a negative attitude? How many years have they been that way? Two years? Five years? Ten years? That’s how many years of happiness and success they have robbed themselves of. Blinded by their own negativity, they are prevented from seeing the good around them.
5. One characteristic of negative thinkers is their need to have the world behaves according to their wishes. They have never grown up and still live with childish demands. Whenever people and the world fail to act according to their selfish wishes, they are unhappy. Such a poisonous attitude prevents them from growing and learning how to cope with life's challenges.
(*J*) for Justification
Only God can truly judge a person
In Islamic tradition it says we can't judge someone "unless we've arrived in his or her place." And since we can never be in exactly the same place and life circumstance as another person, we are never allowed to judge anyone.
But this doesn't mean we should be so open-minded that we blindly accept anyone or anything. We can't judge a person, but we can judge actions. Even when people make mistakes, we can still see the best in them, love them, and care for them in spite of their mistakes. We do see this with our children. Who knows their flaws better than we do? Yet we choose to love them. Only God can truly judge a person, and His judgment is unique to the individual, not based on a formula. A person may achieve one merit that could outweigh a lifetime of mistakes.
•People justify divorce today by following popular practice.
So many today are divorcing their partners that it seems increasingly justifiable on the basis of common practice alone. They don't follow what Allah SWT reveal in Quran and explained in detail the process of Talaq. They confused themselves by taking a very unpopular position. It means exposure to pressure, misunderstanding, accusation, and ridicule.
The bottom line for what is right or wrong, however, is not what others are doing, but what Allah SWT has said. Allah SWT has said clearly that divorce is wrong. Therefore, marriage for life is right no matter if nobody does it, and divorce is wrong no matter if everybody does it.
•People justify divorce today by reasoning that they are victims.
Most people end up saying, "I didn't want a divorce, but . . . I had no other choice." To be sympathetic and understanding here, we must recognize that marriage problems can be very complex and extremely painful. There are no easy answers to these problems. When marriage problems multiply, divorce often looks like the only way out, like an answer that normally wouldn't be considered but has to be under the circumstances.
Disobedience to Allah SWT should not be considered a valid option for resolving man's problems. Because Allah SWT has clearly forbidden divorce as a means of solving marriage problems, we must not consider it as a valid option, no matter who does it. There are other options for those who are willing to look in faith to Allah SWT. Furthermore, we serve Allah SWT who can part the seas, who can calm the storm, who can raise up and cast down, who holds the power of life and death, and who takes the cause of the meek, the poor, and the needy as His very own. Those who divorce because they believe they have no other choice are not acting in faith. They are saying, "I had no choice, Allah SWT, but to disobey you" Unfortunately, they are shutting their lives off from the blessing and help of heaven and turning instead to the ways and methods of man.
•People justify divorce by listening to popular, humanistic psychology.
We are taught by humanistic thinking today that personal satisfaction is everyone's right. Everybody deserves the privilege of living as happily and as free from trouble as possible, and everybody deserves the chance to develop his own inherent potential to the full. Where a bad marriage, a miserable partner, or "traditional values" stand in the way of personal happiness and fulfillment, these things are considered evil, and people are led to believe they are justified in removing them. Nobody should have to live with a scoundrel the rest of his life just because of a hasty, immature decision.
We could wish that Muslims would not succumb to such thinking. In reality, however, some unwitting persons buy it in full, and others are influenced by it far too much.
Again, as Muslim we must understand. Some people make horrendous mistakes in choosing a marriage partner. To remain in their marriage for life means they may suffer. But those who obey Allah SWT can walk through their pain and deprivation with one who is intimately acquainted with human sorrows. Allah SWT can bear the yoke with them. And S.HE can turn their wrecked lives into powerful messages of His grace and goodness.
Such concepts are beyond the realm of the humanistic psychologists. They are understood only by the obedient followers of Allah SWT. They are for those who hunger and thirst after righteousness more than any earthly pleasure or satisfaction, for those who desire holiness and the knowledge of Allah SWT more than life itself.
(*U*) for Ungrateful
An ungrateful person will only see the imperfections and faults even in the most beautiful environment
Being grateful is also a sign of one’s closeness to and loves of God. People who give thanks have the insight and capability to perceive the beauties and blessings that God creates. God’s Messenger, peace be upon him, also referred to this when he said:
When God gives you property, the bliss of God’s blessing and offering must be reflected on you. On the other hand, a disbelieving or ungrateful person will only see the imperfections and faults even in the most beautiful environment, and thus will be unhappy and discontented. Indeed, as a divine purpose in God’s creation, such people always come across with seemingly unfavorable events and unpleasant scenes. On the other hand, God displays more of His bounties and blessings to those who have a sincere and insightful outlook.
That God increases His blessings to those who are grateful is one of the secrets of the Qur’an. However, one needs to keep in mind that sincerity is a prerequisite for being grateful. No doubt, one’s way of showing his gratitude without turning sincerely to God and feeling the inner peace of God’s infinite mercy and compassion, which is solely intended to impress people, would be sheer insincerity. God knows what hearts harbor, and will bear witness to this insincerity. Those who have insincere inner intentions may conceal it from other people, but not from God. Such people may render their thanks with affected manners when there is no affliction, but at times of hardship, it is possible that they may readily lapse into ungratefulness.
It should be also noted that true believers remain grateful to God even under harshest conditions. Someone looking from outside May see the diminishing of some blessings believers enjoy. However, believers, who are able to perceive the good aspect of every event and situation, see goodness in this too. They know that God does not impose on anyone more than he can bear. The steadfastness and submission of such awareness lead them to patience and gratitude. Therefore, it is an obvious attribute of believers to show unwavering dedication and submission and God promises to expand His blessings on His grateful servants both in the life of this world and in the hereafter.
(*M*) for Make Fun of ANYTHING THEY DON’T LIKE:
Those people who suffer from A*N*J*U*M syndrome can do anything to make themselves happy. They can destroy years of Friendships, Relations, Business Contracts, Marriages and hell what not. Some of the examples from the past relation:
She made fun of marriage by taking divorce for no apparent reason. She never gave an outmost try to save marriage of 8 years with two kids. She blame latter in marriage that “Parents forced her to get married and she was sacrificing all these years because of her parent’s pressure”
Even Islam teaches that “Marry only by your wish and make sure your soul mate is good for you by his looks and financially” But once you accept in Nikah (Marriage) be a good spouse! Separate with him/her only in unavoidable circumstances which are explained in Quran.
She made fun of religion by following Islam by her own convenience. She think herself a pious and claim to be a follower of Tableegi Jamat (TJ) a Strict Version Of Islam BUT at the same time watches TV and movies, listened to Hindi songs everyday religiously, go to malls without hijab, wear tops and jeans (western cloths), living in the house and traveling in a car which is taken on loan (Riba, Involving interest which is forbidden and NOT allowed by TJ), performed plastic surgery on Nose for cosmetic reason( Does strict version of Islam allow this!), do not respect her own parents and husband, do not accept what Allah SWT given to her but want more and more. To her convenience use the controversial hadiths to support the Divorce (Triple Talaq) even though I never utter the T word thrice. The process of divorce is explained in detail in Quran. These people pick what is best suited from Islam at their conveniences.
United State Law:
She used the US women’s law to the core. She left home on her own and never ever gave a CHANCE OF RECONCILIATION. She didn’t listen to her parents and religious scholars Fatwa. She left home on grounds that I divorced her instantly (an excuse she explained to her parents to GET OUT OF RELATION and END THE MARRIAGE…again follow what is convenient from Islam) and thinks the marriage is over. Her parents, relatives and friends tried her but in vain. As she doesn’t have any LAGAL STATUS in USA and don’t want to go back to India and be a burden on her parents, she took an extreme step and followed the VAWA guidelines as an abused women to get a GREEN CARD through a Women’s Shelter in US. She left home because the VAWA requirements are that you have to be in Shelter to get a legal assistance in getting Green card and Link Card. Under oath she lied to the law by filing Domestic Violence (You will be surprised that women don’t need any proof, only there words are enough to land someone in Jail) case against me to get a GREEN CARD (A place in Jannat-Ul-Firdaus). So, my friends people with A*N*J*U*M Syndrome can do anything to achieve their selfishness …even use Islam to their convenience!
So watch out and be careful with these people in day to day life.
NOTE: I do not have any Symptoms of an A*N*J*U*M syndrome. I am TRYING my best to be a Normal Person. Yes, I really mean it. Did you check lately! Any ANJUM Syndrome in you.
“Normal” is defined as what is accepted by the majority of people in a situation (social, business, etc.) compared to a single person or a minority