Humor...or something like it.

[CtrlAltDel]

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.



Why?



Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,.... Just to get a little sausage.



******************



A man went to a plastic surgeon to repair his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.



"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.



Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy.



So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."



"And then?" asked the doctor.



"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the table!"

[marko]

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,.... Just to get a little sausage.

******************

A man went to a plastic surgeon to repair his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy.

So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the table!"

2 sausage/sex related jokes in the one post! i'm not feeling like breakfast anymore

[mysterious babe]

Ater just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a

young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling.



They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this

was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the

counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What

seems to be the problem?"



Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to

say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.



After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor

went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately

forseveral minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there

speechless.



He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had

happened.



The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least

twice aweek!"



The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on

Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[mysterious babe]

THE RELUCTANT WHALE



A male whale and a female whale were

swimming off the coast of Japan when

they noticed a whaling ship. The male

whale recognized it as the same ship

that had harpooned his father many years

earlier. He said to the female whale,

"Let's both swim under the ship and blow

out of our air holes at the same time and

it should cause the ship to turn over and

sink."



They tried it and sure enough, the ship

turned over and quickly sank. Soon,

however, the whales realized the sailors

had jumped overboard and were

swimming to the safety of shore. The

male was enraged that they were going

to get away and told the female "let's swim

after them and gobble them up before they

reach the shore."



At this point he realized the female was

becoming reluctant to follow him.



"Look," she said, "I went along with the

blow job, but I absolutely refuse to

swallow the seamen."



_______________________________________



A husband, tired of his wife asking him

how she looks, buys her a full length

mirror. This does little to help, as now

she just stands in front of the mirror,

looking at herself, asking him how she

looks.



One day, fresh out of the shower, she is

yet again in front of the mirror, now

complaining that her breasts are too

small. Uncharacteristically, the

husband comes up with a suggestion.



"If you want your breasts to grow,

then every day take a piece of toilet

paper, and rub it between your breasts

for a few seconds."





Willing to try anything, the wife fetches

a piece of toilet paper, and stands in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between

her breasts. "How long will this take?"

she asks.



"They'll grow larger over a period of

years," he replies.



The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing

a piece of toilet paper between my

breasts everyday will make my breasts

grow over the years?" she asks.



The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked

for your ass, didn't it?"



____________________________________________



Three best friends are at the corner bar on

a Friday night as usual. One of them is an

Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.

They are sitting around drinking some beers,

and they make a wager. They bet who can

make love to their wife and make her

scream the longest. They agree to return

next week, and compare.



Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the

usual time with smiles on their faces. The

Italian can't control himself, he says, " I

definitely won, I took my wife out to dinner,

I bought her roses, I took her home and made

love to her and she screamed for an hour."



The black says "Man, I got you beat, I

cooked dinner for my wife, and for desert I

poured honey all over her and made love to

her and she screamed for two hours"



The Jewish guy states, " I got you both beat,

I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, I pulled

out, I wiped my schmeckle on the curtain and

she is still screaming!"

[mysterious babe]

What are the three fastest ways of communication?



Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.



_______________________________________________



A for apple. B for bada apple. C for chota apple. D for dusra apple. E for



ek aur apple. F for fokat ka apple. G for gol apple. H for ho gaya na pet kharab khake itne apple.





_______________________________________________







The positive thinking poem.



Little birdy in the sky,



You look up and it shits in your eye.



You don't mind and you don't cry,



You just thank God that cows don't fly





__________________________________________________



Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends. I am Sardar and this is sardarney, this is my kid and this is my kidney

[mysterious babe]

last one for the day....a stupid PJ....my fav..



ravan ki lanka ko sone ki lanka kyun bolte hai....



cause jab ravan chota tha tab uski maa use pyaar se sona bulati thi......

[asli_badmash]

last one for the day....a stupid PJ....my fav..

ravan ki lanka ko sone ki lanka kyun bolte hai....

cause jab ravan chota tha tab uski maa use pyaar se sona bulati thi......

[CtrlAltDel]

Some of Late Rodney Dangerfield's classic one-liners...



"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet." ___



"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'" ___



"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother." ___



"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...and no one showed up." ___



"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home." ___



"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me." ___



"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's." ___

[Mayavi Morpheus]

She came, she saw, she posted jokes



Where were u all these days babe?

[mysterious babe]

he he.....i was in and out of hyd....now m back...

[azazel]

bumper-stickers reportedly seen on cars being driven by sardarjis :



Both-hand drive

Beware, Sardarji at the wheel

[CtrlAltDel]

Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

*********************



Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.



The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the

game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further interruptions.



After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"



"Not much," the boy's uncle replied, "I just showed him how to jerkoff."

***************************



A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth & place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then open his mouth & I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.



The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, & placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.



The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.



A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try It! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

[CtrlAltDel]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's,so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to

tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

*************************************



A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.



She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"



So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"



"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."



He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.



The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.



It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.



When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.



The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can`t believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks,

"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"



"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my c*nt sore."

********************************

[Habitual Perfectionist]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."



His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"



The old man replied, "It's fart football."



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."



After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."



Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."



Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"



The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."



***********************************************************************



A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.



"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"



"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"



"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."



***********************************************************************



Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office, wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice rang out.



"This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"



"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"



"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"



Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army, waiting to move on my command."



"Bugorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"



"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.



"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."



Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1 1/2 million since we last spoke."



"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."



Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"



Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"



"For goodness sake!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."



"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"



"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



***********************************************************************



George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."



The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."



George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"



To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".



Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"



The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."



Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[Mayavi Morpheus]

Musharraf wanted to raise money for his country,and on being told

that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one

and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going

price for was very high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and

enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in

third!



The next day the local paper read:

MUSHARRAF'S ASS SHOWS



Mian Sahib was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in

the race again, and this time it won.



The paper read:

MUSHARRAF'S ASS OUT IN FRONT



His wife was so upset with this kind of publicity that she ordered

Mian MUSHARRAF not to enter the donkey in another race.



The paper headline read:

WIFE SCRATCHES MUSHARRAF'S ASS



This was too much for WIFE. So she ordered MUSHARRAF to get rid of

the donkey. Mian Sahib decided to give it to BENAZIR.



The paper headline the next day read:

BENAZIR TAKES MUSHARRAF'S ASS



Followed by another on the next day:

NOW BENAZIR HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN



All the opposition leaders got very upset at this kind of

publicity. They informed Benazir that she would have to get rid of

the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for Rs.500.



Next day the headline read:

BENAZIR SELLS HER ASS FOR Rs. 500



This was too much for the veteran opposition leader,Nawabzada

Nasrullah Khan, so he ordered Benazir to buy back the donkey lead

it to the plains where it could run wild and free.



Next day,the headline in the paper read:

BENAZIR ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

[Mayavi Morpheus]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[CtrlAltDel]

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.



"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"



"You ain't being robbed!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"



The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CtrlAltDel]

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together.

Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of

my entire life."



"Why? What happened?" asks Birnbaum.



Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"



"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even

worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions.

To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"



"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein.

"It was identical!"



"Shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "you forget that I manufacture men's wear!"

[ycr007]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.He approached the man walking with the dog,and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."

[Mayavi Morpheus]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful

doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted

after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they

were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in

another city.



The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."



The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in

the house."



The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."



The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading

the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't

see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can

recite the entire Bible.





It took twenty priests 12 years to teach

him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years

to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the

chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."



The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent

out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in

only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."



"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries

delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."



"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could

hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing

and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture

just the same."



"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to

give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[Scorpion's Sting]

[CtrlAltDel]

Embarrassing Moments



A competition was recently held by a mid-west newspaper to find out the most embarrassing moments in people's lives. The following are the final three place getters:



Third Place: It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends we! re standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.



Second Place: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me was the scream of laughter.



And the Winner Is..... This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,! "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

[dethslut]

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,! "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

simply awesome.

[ycr007]

Read the letter issued by HR Microsoft......



Subject: MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF from Microsoft Corp HRD dept.

This one is extremely funny. And what makes it

funnier is the fact..That it is a REAL memo from Microsoft. Every word here is quite intact and no word has been altered.

The following is an ACTUAL internal memo from the Human Resources

Director of Microsoft.



MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF

In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA, UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resource Directors to issue directives to their Indian staff.



To all Hindi-speaking staff - It has been brought to

our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters

that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.



Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:

Words like "CHUTIYA, GANDU" and other such ex-pressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion.



You will not say "CHUTIYE AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO"

When someone makes a mistake, or "MADAR CHOD

BHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made.



All forms derived from the verb "CHOD" are

inappropriate in our environment.

No project manager, section head or administrator,

under any circumstances, will be referred to as "GADDHA", or "CHUTIYA".



Lack of determination will not be referred to as

KAAMCHOR SALA, and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred

to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or "MADARCHOD".



Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not

to be referred to as "F*CK ALL".



Do not say "GAND FADU" if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND FATI NA?", if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.



Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "CHAL PHUTT".



Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE GAND MARUU"? When things get tough, an acceptable ex-pression such

as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used,

rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI" or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI".



No salary increase shall be ever referred to

"KHAIRAAT BATI HAI". Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners "BUDDHA GHOOSAT".



Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please

do not say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI".



Just keep it clean and dispose it off properly.

We hope you will keep these directions in mind.



Sincerely,

Steve Rider - Human Resources Director

[CtrlAltDel]

I came across this article in my mail:





Con-Cepts



- Rahul Phondke



Recently, I happened to stay in a hotel in Mumbai, which in the interest of confidentiality had nothing to do with the Grand Hyatt Hotel (91-22-2643 2211, ask for Rajeev). This Hotel is one of the finest in the world, so fine that if you even dare to walk in the lobby with wet circles under your armpits in the lobby, armed guards will escort you to the detention room where they use you for target practice. Nope...hah ..hah....I am just kidding. Kidding is always a good thing to do in order to prevent any lawsuits. In fact, that is exactly what George Bush should be telling Saddam Hussein and the UN, "Hey Saddy boy, I was just kidding about those weapons of whatchamacallit ..Now, ain’t that funny?" and the entire general assembly would be rolling in the UN aisles slapping their thighs except the Japanese, who would be taking photographs. Actually it is not the detention room where they take you but the golf course where no one really notices you, as everyone is really too busy discussing something called Birdies. It in fact, is the perfect hotel with the perfect lobby and the perfect staff where the birds sing out your name and even Sachin Tendulkar does not do a half squat while batting.





Anyways, after checking in the room, I entered the bathroom..... unlike train toilets where the toilets have their bolts permanently broken, this hotel had no locks in its bathroom doors. There is ISI Engineering Design code for the Indian Railway toilets, that makes it mandatory to have the sort of locks on the toilets that can be broken by blindfolded grandmas with one hand tied behind their back. Actually my theory is these locks are broken because people are in such a tearing hurry to get out. But that’s the problem with public toilets. Most of them are so stinky that you would have to offer free sex even to bacteria, to get them to



enter these toilets. You have to do what you can do with a lungful of oxygen. It is like scuba diving without the scuba. You take a deep breath and go in and come out like commando before turning blue due to lack of oxygen.



Anyway, I could not believe that the bathroom doors did not have locks so tenaciously, I started feeling the door along every square inch in the hope, that it may have one of those James Bond locking mechanisms. I did this, till I looked back in the mirror and realised that I looked like a towel clad Spiderman attempting to clamber up the door and defeat the evil forces of Locktavo or whoever it was , who decided that the bathroom doors should not have locks. Also there were no shower curtains so I had to make myself into a foetal position and back up in a corner so that when I showered, my bathroom did not look like the bathroom of a really bad prostate patient who had Tons of beers. I straightaway decided to speak to the Guest relations manager in the lobby though in the interest of journalistic fidelity , I must mention I did put on my trousers first ...despite what the Grand Hyatt might tell you.



At the lobby, I got a very patient hearing after which I was told that this is their concept. Now pardon me, but what concept is that. Bathrooms without locks and showers without curtains. What concept will they have next , Toilets in the balcony and Towels in the corridors. But the tragic reality is that once you say "It is our policy" or "It is our concept" , many establishments think that they have given the mother of all answers. So there is no sound reason why the concept is so or no logical explanation but it is just a concept. I would have totally agreed with the philosophy had my IIM Ahmedabad Professors not put red circles on my Accounting "concepts" and laughed so hard that in order to control them, they had to be shot with tranquiliser darts or shown photographs of Murali Manohar Joshi. Apparently, concepts had to have some logic behind them.



Well, but that is not going to change. I had similar encounters with , "That is our Rule , Sir", "That is our official policy" statements with which we normal thinking common man have to put up without really being told why.. Well ,but two of us can play at that game. While checking out, just refuse to pay. Just give a demonic laugh, slap your thighs and tell them that it is your concept. But just one caution, do this only when you have a blanket with you. I have heard that the mosquitoes in the jail can be really mean.