Humor...or something like it.

by **ycr007** » Tue Nov 23, 2004 12:49 pm

The banker saw his old friend Joe, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Joe had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Joe if the rumor was true. Joe assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Joe the age of his new bride to be. Joe proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Joe should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Joe thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Joe in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Joe proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued," And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "She's pregnant too!"

##############################################

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news.

First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops start cheering wildly.

"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

##############################################

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'

#############################################

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another 12 double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

by **CtrlAltDel** » Tue Nov 23, 2004 2:38 pm

A man took his wife to the cattle fair and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This

bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab

and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?"

EPILOGUE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

************************************

by **CtrlAltDel** » Tue Nov 23, 2004 2:50 pm

So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. " Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him.

The man looks at him and says," Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?"

" Yes, I am. Do u know her?"

" Hell man, Know her? Who do you think washed those damn shirts anyway??"

***************************************

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"

Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

by **CtrlAltDel** » Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:51 pm

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor sks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

**********************************

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he meant his money!!"

***********************************

by **Sharjeel** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:59 am

Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?

Jab koi ladki shadi se pehle pregnant ho,

uski maa bole "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE KYA KIYA?!?"

by **Scorpion's Sting** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:00 pm

Woman (to beggar) : It must be hard living without a leg. At least be thankful that you are not blind.

Beggar: Yea, when I was blind I always received counterfeit money

_____________________________________________________________

Two woman are talking about what they are going to wear to a party.

1st Woman : We're supposed to wear clothes which match our husband's hair.

So I guess that I'll wear my red dress

2nd Woman : :shock:

, I don't think I'll go!! :!:

______________________________________________________________

A simpleton was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.

The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."

Everyone stayed calm.

About another hour later, another boom.

The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"

The people stayed calm.

An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.

Then, the simpleton stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"

by **CtrlAltDel** » Fri Nov 26, 2004 12:34 am

A woman took her little daughter to the museum where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

==================================

A woman bought a Female Parrot in a Pet shop because it was a thing of

beauty.When she got it home however she found that all it did was walk around the cage curseing and swearing all day long.this went on for some

time until she met the church Pastor on the street.

She had heard that he had a Male parrot so she told him about hers and asked if he could help her out.He thought for a while and then took her to see his bird.She was amazed to see his Parrot sitting on its perch holding a rosary in its claws and saying its prayers.

The pastor said that maybe if they put the two together some of his birds goodness would rub off on hers.She agreed so they got her bird and put it in the cage with his bird.No sooner did they close the door when his bird let go of the rosary and jumped on top of her bird and started screwing away.

the Pastor asked his parrot "what got into you?"

His parrot answered "what the shit did you think I was praying for all these

years".

by **ycr007** » Fri Nov 26, 2004 4:24 pm

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,

"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells,

"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

by **stingrae** » Fri Nov 26, 2004 6:25 pm

Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

A: Douse the cat in petrol, light fire to its tail - WOOF!

Humor - Payne style....

by **ycr007** » Sat Nov 27, 2004 3:58 pm

George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name.

"Billy!" says the boy.

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, The President says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand. George points him out and asks his name.

"David!" says the boy.

"And what is your question, David?"

"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

***********************************************************

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees

Steven Spielberg

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks

for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people

bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed

your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied

Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank

the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship,

not me."

The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all

the same."

************************************************************

A Sardar died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the

advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected,

so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"

The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

**********************************************************

And The Best of The Lot....

Stupid Questions and Answers

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:

A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:

One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:

When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:

When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's ]in flames!!!

by **Sharjeel** » Sat Nov 27, 2004 7:49 pm

. The stupid questions and answers really crakced me up!!!

by **CtrlAltDel** » Sun Nov 28, 2004 12:07 am

"What grounds do you think you have?" asked the attorney whom the woman was consulting about a divorce.

"My husband keeps bringing his work home with him night after night!" exclaimed the client.

"But that's hardly grounds for divorce," smiled the attorney. "Why, I do that myself."

"Sure, I can see a man doing it if he's a lawyer," snapped the woman, "but my husband's a pimp."

===================================

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's younger sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she

says: "Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it...or if

need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's

sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

================================

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research. He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man.

He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all

screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds. Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."

by **ycr007** » Sun Nov 28, 2004 1:11 am

Sharjeel wrote::lol: . The stupid questions and answers really crakced me up!!!

Believe it or not...it took me around half an hour to post that msg.....I was laughing so hard that i cud barely see what I was up2..... :lol:

by **ycr007** » Sun Nov 28, 2004 1:59 am

The story goes like this:

A king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!

But there was a problem:Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards

and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches

one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any

man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would

marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes

took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas,

once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away

sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond

is the hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent

away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand

in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was

told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it

in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

But The Question Is : What was the object in the prince's pants?

( scroll down )

( scroll down )

( scroll down )

( scroll down )

They were Britannia Little Hearts of course! They melt in your

mouth, not in your hand.

***********************************************************

When Bill Gates dies...

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that infernal Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure!" said Bill.

"Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, lying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God.

"That was the screen saver !"

************************************************************

MICROSOFT SUPPORT CENTER :

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

************************************************************

Windows Woes:

Jill called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech Support(Over the Phone): "Are you running it under Windows." Jill: "No, my desk is next to the door. But that`s a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager.",

Jill: "I don`t have a `P`."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard.",

Jill: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard."

Jill: "I`m not going to do that!"

**********************************************************

Santa was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

His car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun with Mr.Sant He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, Mr.Santa went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. He blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, Banta, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

Santa told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Banta rolled his eyes and said ... "HELLLLO" Dont be stupid "First....You need to roll up all the windows"

***********************************************************

by **CtrlAltDel** » Mon Nov 29, 2004 11:44 pm

today's quota:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

=================================

Bill dies and when he wakes up he says out loud, "Where am I?"

Satan appears and says, "You're in Hell."

Bill suddenly becomes very stressed out. "I knew I shouldn't have stolen from the company. I shouldn't have cheated on my wife with that cute little 16 yr old down the street. Oh man this is horrible."

Finally,Bill says somewhat defeatedly, "Damn, I need a drink!"

Satan says, "Well, your in luck Bill. Today all the drinks you want."

"Really? Well I guess I'll have a Rum and Coke."

Suddenly a bar appears and the bartender hands Bill the best Rum and Coke he's ever had in his life. Bill continues to order all kinds of drinks as the bartender has incredible talent. After awhile, Bill starts getting pretty drunk. "Man I could use a smoke!"

Satan replies, "Oh, I'm sorry Bill, that's not until tomorrow."

"Wait a minute, let me get this straight. Today all the drinks I want, and tomorrow all the cigarettes I want."

"That's right Bill!" Satan replied with a smile.

Bill comes back, "Well, I could get to like this place called Hell!"

Satan asks, "Bill, are you gay?"

"NO WAY MAN!" Bill say sounding very disgusted.

Satan smiles real big and says, "Oh, THEN you're not going to like Thursdays."

================================

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

by **CtrlAltDel** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 4:39 pm

injecting some more humor...

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

===================================

Little Johnny asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: . . . .'You've Got Male!'"

by **enigma** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 8:28 pm

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with
the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life
of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl' " - the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog "

by **enigma** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 8:31 pm

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed.
> She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him
> sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
> He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
> coffee.
> "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why
> are you down here at this time of night?"
> The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
When
> we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do"
she replies.
> The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
> "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
> car.............?"
> "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
> him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun
> in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you
to jail for 20 years?".
> "I remember that too" she replied softly.
>
> He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been
> released today".

by **ycr007** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 8:38 pm

Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.
Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.
Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in the Gelff.
Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.
What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
Why did the Malayali go to the concert in Rome? Because he wanted to hear pope music.
How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Yo yet another Yo and Yen
What is Malayali management graduate called?
A Yem Bee Yae.
What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto
And for cargo?
A Loree
Where does he pray?
Demble
Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
What happens when a bakery in Kerala is named after a gerrl called Anu?
Its called 'Anus Bakery'.
Name the only part of the werld, where Malayali's dont werk hard?
Kerala
Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi

by **ycr007** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 9:27 pm

GATES GOES TO HELL :

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."

by **ycr007** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:14 pm

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands: "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend; I know how upset you will be, but I am truly happy. I have found real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom; I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it to sell to support ourselves and our children. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure for Ahmed to get better; he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day, I'll visit for I know you will want to get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm over at Sarah's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer. " I love you!"

by **ycr007** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:32 pm

What not to say to a police officer...

1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5) Are You Andy or Barney?

6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13) What? You need a license to drive?

14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

15) Is your power a p***s substitute?

16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk

17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

1 Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind

21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal

27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

2 Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me

30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight

32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either

34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut

35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

3 What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol

39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.

40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.

44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"

Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"

45) Its tobacco, honest

46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket!

by **ycr007** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:40 pm

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had $** with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

by **akhilis2cool** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:43 pm

me thinks it shd. have been a parrot....not a peacock

by **ycr007** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:52 pm

Management Lessons:

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson 1 - To be sitting and doing nothing,you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the

turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"

replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it

actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest

branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,

the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson 2 - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,

the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped

some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile

of cow dung,he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all

warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird underthe pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him

Management Lesson 3 -
(a) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(b) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(c) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Humor...or something like it.

pakistani in US

marriage or jail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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