Humor...or something like it.

[ycr007]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving

his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's

room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

[ycr007]

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and

Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.Bold and arrogant,

Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am

obviously the most beautiful person in the world".



Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must

be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most

women.After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru

for the truth.



First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out

with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact,

the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.



Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile, "It is true!

I am the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the

cave, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"

[CtrlAltDel]

A drunk walks into a seedy bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 tough looking men sitting at a corner table.



He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, man in the face and says: "I went by your mom's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"



The toughie looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad man and would fight at the drop of a hat.



The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your mom and she is good, the best I ever had!"



The toughie's buddies are starting to get really mad but the man still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your mom liked it!"



At this point the man stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Dad,....... Go home, you're drunk."

***********************************



One day, Osama's heart stops and he dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.



"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."



Osama thought that sounded good and he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.



No," Osama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."



The devil led him to the next room; in it was Charlie Manson with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.



"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama.



The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.



Osama looked at this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Habitual Perfectionist]

Questions and their answers given by candidates in the UPSC interviews.



Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)



Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank - Opted for IFS)



Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank - Opted for IPS)



Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It's not a problem, since you'll never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 - Opted for IES)



Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)



Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )



Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Dinner.



Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.



Q. What state is the Bay of Bengal in?

A : Liquid (UPSC 33rd Rank)



Q: What is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?

A: Nag did not punch me



Q: What is the inverse of Nagpanchmi? Come on..

A: I punched the Nag.



Q:Chintu's mom has three sons.What is the name of the other two?

A:Chin-1 & Chin-3 (Phew!)

[Ar!e$]

[Ar!e$]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in

bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds

him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches

as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's

the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are

you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his

coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago When we were dating, and you were

only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses;

the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father

caught us in the back seat of my car.............?" "Yes, I remember" said

the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband

continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20

years?". "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from

his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".

[3 T'z]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body

hurts

wherever she touches it.



"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."



She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She

pushes

her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she

touches

makes her scream.



The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"



"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."



"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."



English Exam



Banta singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied 'Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and atlast I wrote THUNK !!!'

[3 T'z]

BANARASI



TEEN BANARASI LOG NEW YORK TRIP KE LIYE GAYE RAM ,SHYAM, MOHAN .MOHAN THODA DARPOK THA WAHAN PER UN LOGON NE 40 FLOOR KA HOTEL DEKH KAR USI MAIN 40TH FLOOR PER ROOM LIYA DOOSARE DIN JAB WE PURE DIN NEW YORK DEKH KAR THAKE HUE AAYE TO PATA CHALA KI LIFT IS NOT WORKING PER KISI TARAH UN LOGON NE SEEDHEO KE RASTE CHADHNA SURU KIYA



10 FLOOR CHADHNE KE BAAD MOHAN : SHYAM EK BATAU? SHYAM : BOL YAAR MOHAN : NAHI TUM MAROGE



20 FLOOR BAD MOHAN : RAM EK BATAU?SHYAM : BOL YAAR MOHAN : NAHI TUM MAROGE



30 FLOOR BADMOHAN : RAM EK BATAU? SHYAM : BOL YAAR MOHAN : NAHI TUM MAROGE



35 TH FLOOR MOHAN : YAAR EK BAAT BATAU SHYAM NE TAB TAK MOHAN KO EK JHAPAD MAR DIYA



MOHAN : YAAR HUM LOG ROOM KI KEY NEECHE HI BHOOL GAYE

[ycr007]

A guy from Uttar Pradesh was away from his family for about 4 years

while his wife was in Jaunpur. At the end of 4 years he distributed

sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a

son...

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "happy event"

happened when he had not seen his wife for four years... The man said it

is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans)

when men are away. The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give

to the son?"

The man explained, "If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then

the name would be DWIVEDI; If it is the third neighbour then it would be

TRIVEDI, If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI; If its

the fifth neighbour then it would be PANDEY...



After listening to this, questions followed. What if it is a mixture of neighbours?

"Then the boy would be named MISHRA"...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?

"Then it would be SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?

"Then the name of the child would be GUPTA"...

If she does not remember the name then?

"It is YAAD-AV...

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?

"Then it will be named DOSHI"...

Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire for sex?

"Then he will be named JOSHI...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....

DESHPANDEY!!

[ycr007]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[3 T'z]

I suppose thiz is an old one...but newayz..



PERFECT HUSBAND HUH?!



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free

speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models.I saw one I really liked - a little coupe.

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$68,000"

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."



The man hangs up.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.

Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

[ycr007]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."



His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."



Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.



Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.



He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:



Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[ycr007]

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.



"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."



"What catch?" he asked.



The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."



"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.



"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.



"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.



POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.



"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"



"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.



POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.



"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.



"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.



"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.



The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

[ycr007]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.



The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."



Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.



The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.



This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.



The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"



The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.



Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"



The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.



He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.



The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"



Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[ycr007]

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.



Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!



Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!



Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!



Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.



Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. _ snow plough.



Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. _.



Dec. 25 - Merry _ Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the _ ice.



Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?



Dec. 28 - That _ weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his _ head.



Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those _ beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.



May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that _ salt they put all over the roads.



May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

[CtrlAltDel]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.



On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."



"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"



"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.



Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.



Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.



Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.



Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.



Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.



Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.



Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.



Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"



"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"



"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[MLS]

*Not sure if this is already posted*



Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,

Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.



I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.

(KEEP READING)

______________________________________



REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:



This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.



Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Mayavi Morpheus]

http://www.hendess.net/london.htm



Enjoy!

[CtrlAltDel]

*excavating this thread out of the depths...*



An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't

know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40

dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat

will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next

announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind,

we still have 39 dinners available!"

************************************



A gynecologist had become fed up with his job and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.



When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.



When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.



Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"



The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."



The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe."

***************************************

[CtrlAltDel]

...and 2 more....



A jewish rabbi (priest) was making a deposit at a bank. When he took out his wallet to get the money, the bloke next to him sees it and says, "Boy, that's a really nice wallet. Where'd you get it?"



"I made it myself," the rabbi replies. "The material is of the finest quality, my friend."



"No kidding," says the bloke. "What's it made of?"



"Well," explains the rabbi, "after I perform circumcisions, I save the flaps of skin and sew them into wallets. These wallets are very useful when travelling."



"Really? Why's that?" asks the bloke.



The rabbi grins. "All I have to do is rub the wallet and it turns into a suitcase!"

******************************



Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.



"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.



"Nope," Jimmy replied.



"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.



"Nope."



"You didn't steal it did you?"



"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."



Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of

Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.



That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.



Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"



"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.



"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father

[gone_postal]

kind of long one ...



A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He

knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy

sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep

her occupied while he was gone.



He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.

He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to

another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking

for something special to please his wife, and started talking to

the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.



"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We

have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I

don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks,

except..." and he stopped.



"Except what?" the man asked.



"Nothing, nothing."



"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"



"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo

p*nis."



"So what's up with this Voodoo P*nis?" he asked.



The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old

wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He

opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.



The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like

every other dildo in this shop!"



The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."



He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo P*nis, the door." The

Voodoo P*nis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the

door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook

wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form

down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo

P*nis, return to box!" The Voodoo P*nis stopped, levitated back

to the box and lay there quiescent once more.



"I'll take it!" said the businessman.



The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally

surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.



The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo

and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo P*nis, my

crotch."



He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he

was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was

unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would

willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo P*nis.



She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo P*nis, my

crotch!" The Voodoo P*nis shot to her crotch and started pumping.

It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever

experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she

became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.



She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still

thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing

worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.



Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could

help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to

drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,

another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the

road.



A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He

asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to

drink.



Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to

drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo P*nis thing stuck

in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"



The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an

arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

[rock_26iin]

A boy donates blood to his girlfriend. After sometime they break-up. Boy says, "I want my blood back" Girl throws used Whisper at him and says "I'll pay u back in monthly installments"

[rock_26iin]

[CtrlAltDel]

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said, "for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"Wow!!!" she said, "so did I..."

**********************



A guy was traveling through the back hills of Kentucky when he came upon a hitch-hiker. He asked the man, "Where you headed?"

The hiker replied, "To the next town."

The driver said, "Hop in."

About a mile down the road, the hitcher said, "Pull over." The driver did and asked why.

The hitcher pulled out a gun and said, "Give me your wallet." The driver didn't ask questions ... he gave him his wallet.

The hitcher then said, "Get out of the car." The driver did as he was told.

The hitcher then said, "Take off all your clothes." The driver refused but changed his mind after the hitcher cocked his gun.

"Now bend over and grab your ankles," said the hitcher. The driver did as he was told. The hitcher tied him up in that position with his belt and left with the man's car.

About five minutes later, a pick-up pulls over. A gruff looking redneck gets out and asks, "What's going on?"

The driver says, "I picked up a hitch-hiker and he stole my wallet, stole my clothes, stole my car and left me tied up this way! Can you believe it?!"

The redneck shakes his head and starts loosening his belt.

The man looks up, sees this and asks, "W-W-What'cha doin'??"

The redneck just smiles and says, "Oh boy...this just ain't your day, is it?"

[CtrlAltDel]

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.

Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Cindy said she was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor."

Cindy replied "Okay."

So he says, "Can I borrow your eyebrowpencil?"

Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my

eyebrow pencil."

The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so the guy draws a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man?"

Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his clothes.

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you can call me Fred."

So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts "Fred, you won't believe who I have been _ these past 4 months!"

*******************************



The millionaire owner of a company was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from a famous University and I need some help from you. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

********************************



A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet, I don't think she's about to start now!"