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bad marriage. advise pls?

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bad marriage. advise pls?

by help » Mon May 15, 2006 4:18 am

I have been married for 10 years now and have a 7 year old son. Our relationship is just not going well and these days, my son is seeing a lot of arguments and physical violence. My husband is very money minded and has no quality time for me or for my son. I would have compromised if he was atleast a good and caring father but that's not the case. I am in two minds now. Do I continue this marriage so that my son still has his father's presence around or should I split and go to my mother's place ... even if it means that I would be a single parent? Fortunately, I'm financially independant.



I would like to split but I don't understand how to handle any questions which my son might have for me once he grows older.



Please...I'd appreciate it only if there are any mature suggestions.
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by DRS » Mon May 15, 2006 2:29 pm

Of all the possible money minded maniacs in this world I would say none of them has time for family and probably friends too. Its been too long after your marriage and one question pops out in my mind, why now ? diff answers may come up... may be due to ur patience..ur son's future..may be he is crossing his limits now... the only way out is not parting. Trust me there has been lots of instances where a very well consultation has lead to understanding and hence the spring time again. So I would first recommend parents from both side have a discussion about the present condition and come to a conclusion about?? might b a gud ray of hope takes birth?? I wud like to wish you all the best in that regards... if nothing comes up.. u personally have a convo with him about wtf is happening and what cud be done or is the only way is the diff ways??? if nothing workds... since you said you are finalcially sound I would say shoot ur way out with ur son.. the amount of impact that a child may have due to any arguments between his parents unbelievable.. and due to phycial mess?? dont ask. If your child questions in the future.. well you wud never want ur son to see all this drama in ur life and carry forward his life with this impact, that might result in anything in his mind. Nothing workds, Part. Rest leave it on god, all the best.
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by CtrlAltDel » Mon May 15, 2006 4:48 pm

interesting. will come back on this later.
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by Aishwarya » Tue May 16, 2006 6:21 am

Hey.. everyone deserves to be happy. From what you've posted on the thread, it seems like your husband is putting you thru a lot of shit and you cant take it anymore. Good that you are financially sound and everything. I could ask you to get out of the marriage ASAP. It is good for your son as well as for you . But I am not as old and mature as you are. The best people to seek advice from are your parents. They are older and far more experianced than you are and ofcourse understand you very well. I think you should consult them and if you have good relations with your in-laws, consult them as well.
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by KK » Tue May 16, 2006 10:26 am

From the LITTLE you tried explaining about your married life problems, divorce does not seem to be the best solution in your case.
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by DRS » Tue May 16, 2006 3:27 pm

KK wrote:From the LITTLE you tried explaining about your married life problems, divorce does not seem to be the best solution in your case.




offcoz.. she needs help here :D
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by Arch » Wed May 17, 2006 2:45 am

Hi, I am a wife and a mother for the past nearly 2 decades (wow! 2 decades !! it just hit me that 2 decades is a long period :) ) So, i might be able to suggest something to you for sure. You decide if they are useful to you.



Foremost, take out some time to sit with your husband and be very honest with each other about what and why it is happening. Ask him to 'please' take the time too, if you feel he might not give you the time, just to spite you.



What you finally want is some honest time together, right? the talk is for your own family to be intact, right? so a little bit of diplomacy to be sweet for the right thing is alright, I guess. you sure would have been sweet with your boss many a time even when you must have actually felt like wringing his neck? and this is your husband and your sons father. so..



Find out from his point of view also if he thinks there is something that you need to change to make the relationship work. Be open. do not defend yourself, atleast as yet. do not go into arguments because that will not give you the needed result in getting to know why he is being what he is being.





BTW, Never ever take physical abuse the first time too, ever. Apart from it hurting you both physically and emotionally, it will hurt your child too.



Since you have a child, all the more the reason that you should not take the physical abuse for the simple reason that your child also could be physically abused by your husband. It generally becomes a choice for him to vent his frustrations out on any of the 'available' people.



Moreover, if it is a male child, he will become one like his father since 'dad gave it and mommy took it' and if it is a female child, she will find it right to take the abuse since 'mommy took it and daddy gave it'.



Secondly, you do not argue in front of your child. 'you' can take yourself out of the room, right? then when there are two people in the argument and one of them leaves the room, the other one cannot argue unless it is with himself.



Third, arguments make a relationship more sour for the simple reason that we have the tendency to say the worst in the heat of the moment and even though we might regret it later, we might not have sufficient courage to fight our ego to say sorry even when we are dying feeling sorry.



These r some of my suggestions. do let me know if they are of any use to you and all the best to you.
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by Arch » Wed May 17, 2006 3:08 am

help wrote:I have been married for 10 years now and have a 7 year old son. Our relationship is just not going well and these days, my son is seeing a lot of arguments and physical violence. My husband is very money minded and has no quality time for me or for my son. I would have compromised if he was atleast a good and caring father but that's not the case. I am in two minds now. Do I continue this marriage so that my son still has his father's presence around or should I split and go to my mother's place ... even if it means that I would be a single parent? Fortunately, I'm financially independant.

I would like to split but I don't understand how to handle any questions which my son might have for me once he grows older.

Please...I'd appreciate it only if there are any mature suggestions.




Has your husband been a bad person since you were married or has he changed after that? If he is a bad man and a bad father, the question does not arise for you to stay with him since he will be a source of bad behaviour for your child as he grows into a man.



In case of a divorce, would you be living in the same city as your husband? Do you have any other male family member who could be the source of strength and security against your husband's violent behaviour?



also, a boy will be in natural need of the father or a father figure around the age of 8 if not a little later. a healthy male family member will come in good use for your sons' need for the father.



your child is already 7. if you divorce, he will surely ask you questions even before it happens. a direct simple answer would be good keeping the gory details for a later date, if at all needed. He will surely be growing different from what he would have been had he had a loving intact home with both mother and father. But you give him the best from what is healthyly available to you.





I am sorry that this is happening to you, you take care.
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by KK » Wed May 17, 2006 5:41 am

Good analyses arch.
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by Ms » Wed May 17, 2006 10:24 am

help wrote:I have been married for 10 years now and have a 7 year old son. Our relationship is just not going well and these days, my son is seeing a lot of arguments and physical violence. My husband is very money minded and has no quality time for me or for my son. I would have compromised if he was atleast a good and caring father but that's not the case. I am in two minds now. Do I continue this marriage so that my son still has his father's presence around or should I split and go to my mother's place ... even if it means that I would be a single parent? Fortunately, I'm financially independant.

I would like to split but I don't understand how to handle any questions which my son might have for me once he grows older.

Please...I'd appreciate it only if there are any mature suggestions.






I don't know how mature my reply will be, considering i've been married for just over a year now. But i do know this, no woman deserves to be treated the way you are.



As far as i see it, the fact that you have a son can give rise to two situations. Either you stick with your husband, and run the risk of your son also turning out like his dad (and however filmi that may seem, it is an actual possibility).



And the other is that you leave him, and tell your son the truth. someone above mentioned that you just tell him the bare minimum for now, and leave the gory details for when he's a li'l more grown up, which i think was an excellent piece of advice.



If you're financially independent, then i see no reason not to leave him. wat i'm saying may be a repetition of wat has been said above, but i think if u see so many ppl talking abt it, then u may actually get the courage to put ur thoughts into action.



Do u have ur parents support? If you do, then there's nothing to be worried about. And by physical violence, do u mean that he hits you? How can u even consider staying with someone like that? It's not 1806 my dear, it's 2006. (not that in 1806 it was ok, but u get wat i'm saying).



I hope, this reply takes you one step closer to making the decision that's right for both YOU and your son. But in considering a life for your son, DON'T forget abt yourself. That's equally important.
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Finish with it

by Vj » Wed May 17, 2006 8:08 pm

My two cents - 1.pls don't try the impossible; however much one may not like to admit, there are things that go wrong despite one's best efforts. 2.don't hope for miracles to happen.



Regardless of how long have you been married for and howsoever beautiful it had been, if things have gone beyond repair this day, it's best to give up on it. Past is past. And it doesn't make sense to trade your future for fond memories and dreams. Of course, society would make it harder for you to walk out, for it is in its very nature to prefer stupid mores to an individual. Since you have a kid, it may be tough to decide. But then, it's better for him to be happy with a single parent than to be with parents whose relationship has broken. It'll wreck him. So, even if it'd cause some chaos temporarily, it's best to break up. With a few tears, if you must.



And all that talk about counseling and stuff is nonsense. There are some people with whom you just cannot negotiate. So, hoping for some shrink to set things right for you is just a waste of time. Counseling might help someone who is down and shattered, not someone who is adamant and inconsiderate. It's a stupid belief.



So, it comes down to two options - 1.break up, or 2.endure a tormenting relationship for a lifetime.



Good that you are financially independent. So, it makes every sense to quit and be a happy single parent. You may marry again, if you want to. All the best!
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Re: bad marriage. advise pls?

by Ustaad » Wed May 17, 2006 8:30 pm

help wrote:I have been married for 10 years now and have a 7 year old son. Our relationship is just not going well and these days, my son is seeing a lot of arguments and physical violence. My husband is very money minded and has no quality time for me or for my son.






Just Dump him and move on.



good luck.
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by help » Wed May 17, 2006 11:08 pm

Thank you all for your words of support. I have been reading your messages and thinking about what's to be done next.

The latest happenings made me very angry and I really wanted to walk out but my mother asked me to give it a week's time and then decide.

The past few days, I feel emotionally numb. Right now, I don't want to take any hasty step which will close all doors on my future and more specifically, my son's.



While I sincerely appreciate everybody's kindness, time and effort spent on this discussion board, I'd particularly like to discuss this with Arch.



Arch, I don't see a PM link near your message. Is there any way I could correspond with you in private? Mail id etc?
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by Zephyr » Wed May 17, 2006 11:47 pm

You have mentioned physical violence. Could you elaborate on the physical violence? Could you describe a situation where physical violence was used?, please be honest.
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by Mayavi Morpheus » Thu May 18, 2006 12:12 am

help wrote:Arch, I don't see a PM link near your message. Is there any way I could correspond with you in private? Mail id etc?


You can find it here

http://www.fullhyderabad.com/discussion ... ofile&u=33
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by DRS » Thu May 18, 2006 12:57 am

Zephyr wrote:You have mentioned physical violence. Could you elaborate on the physical violence? Could you describe a situation where physical violence was used?, please be honest.




:? :? :?
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by Arch » Thu May 18, 2006 4:33 am

help wrote:Thank you all for your words of support. I have been reading your messages and thinking about what's to be done next.
The latest happenings made me very angry and I really wanted to walk out but my mother asked me to give it a week's time and then decide.
The past few days, I feel emotionally numb. Right now, I don't want to take any hasty step which will close all doors on my future and more specifically, my son's.

While I sincerely appreciate everybody's kindness, time and effort spent on this discussion board, I'd particularly like to discuss this with Arch.

Arch, I don't see a PM link near your message. Is there any way I could correspond with you in private? Mail id etc?




Help, sure , you can. I hope I will be of some help to you. I am sending the link here, you can use this and I shall send you my email id in return. Mayavi already sent you the link. Thanks to you MM, that was thoughtful of you.
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by Arch » Thu May 18, 2006 4:36 am

Arch wrote:
help wrote:Thank you all for your words of support. I have been reading your messages and thinking about what's to be done next.
The latest happenings made me very angry and I really wanted to walk out but my mother asked me to give it a week's time and then decide.
The past few days, I feel emotionally numb. Right now, I don't want to take any hasty step which will close all doors on my future and more specifically, my son's.

While I sincerely appreciate everybody's kindness, time and effort spent on this discussion board, I'd particularly like to discuss this with Arch.

Arch, I don't see a PM link near your message. Is there any way I could correspond with you in private? Mail id etc?


Help, sure , you can. I hope I will be of some help to you. I am sending the link here, you can use this and I shall send you my email id in return. Mayavi already sent you the link. Thanks to you MM, that was thoughtful of you.




oops, what happened here?? http://www.fullhyderabad.com/discussion ... ofile&u=33



there, its the same link that MM's used :)

this should be fine, I guess.
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by Arch » Thu May 18, 2006 4:48 am

KK wrote:Good analyses arch.




Thanks KK.
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by CtrlAltDel » Thu May 18, 2006 11:15 am

arch's shown her wisdom, as usual :)



nice to have u back arch! u shud post more often!
wtf? i no longer care if my posts hurt yr feelings :roll:
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by Arch » Thu May 18, 2006 9:16 pm

CtrlAltDel wrote:arch's shown her wisdom, as usual :)

nice to have u back arch! u shud post more often!




Oh, wow!



that is sweet of YOU , Cad. :) thanks for your compliment.



BTW, w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?

I have nearly 20 years.. so.. some of it would certainly rub off !



I only hope I can be some source of help to this lady. she seems to be in such pain. Even simple listening w/ a kind and patient ear might help her figure out by herself, most often.. so why not?



u take care.
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by KK » Thu May 18, 2006 10:52 pm

Arch wrote:BTW, w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?


I thought guyz would become less smart with marriage, isn't it true :lol:
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by CtrlAltDel » Fri May 19, 2006 12:15 pm

Arch wrote:...w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?
right! my wife ensured it happened to me :)
wtf? i no longer care if my posts hurt yr feelings :roll:
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by Arch » Fri May 19, 2006 12:23 pm

KK wrote:
Arch wrote:BTW, w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?

I thought guyz would become less smart with marriage, isn't it true :lol:




Is it? do let me kno if and whenever u r there. Please?



:)
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by KK » Fri May 19, 2006 12:34 pm

CtrlAltDel wrote:
Arch wrote:...w/in an year of your marriage you would have gained a lot more of wisdom than what you would have had a day before your wedding, right?
right! my wife ensured it happened to me :)


Did you mean to reply to my message? :D
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