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Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

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Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by flora3 » Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:30 pm

Hi everyone
I'm currently in a situation which has perfectly logical answers, but which i am totally unable to deal with.

I am a girl and committed to this guy, with whom there is nothing wrong. I've been in this relationship for a little over 2 years now. We've had our share of ups and downs, but if you ask me, there have been more downs than ups.

Now i have been guilty of being attracted to one other guy. This isn't the first time - i once did get attracted to someone else when i was a little less mature than now and by God's grace he was mature enough and awesome enough to tell me that it cannot happen :) ( unbelievable but i am NOT AT ALL attracted to him now and he's a great friend... it's don't judge me)

Coming back to the topic, there is this guy at my workplace... much elder to me... who I have been smitten ever since i've met him. I almost worship him since he's been some sort of a mentor to me.

The problem is that i KNOW all the answers - that it's unfair, unreasonable even, to expect anything.

Firstly, I know exactly how my bf will feel if he came to know abt my feelings. I've been in his shoes (not in this relationship, though) and i know it completely sucks.

Secondly, I would never be able to live with myself if i let go of one person just because i found someone else. The guilt would eat me away and so would the knowledge that it'll come back to me.

Thirdly, that "other" person doesn't even know this, and even if he did there is about 0.000001% chance that we two will start anything. Actually it's almost laughable to think of it.

But fact is that i am a person who has a good time with several people, including the one i am smitten with. I am unable to have that kind of feel-good time with my bf, though there is much more real stuff we both share. We understand each other, he loves me unconditionally, he's been there for me when i was at my most vulnerable and most helpless, and I know he's rock solid support. Yet, there are fundamental issues of compatibility that make me get distracted when i run into someone i think is perfect. There have been times when we have been terrible to each other, knowingly or unknowingly. The bottom line is that I am terribly confused about my feelings for him.

I've tried getting over this but what worries me is my tendency to keep getting attracted to other men. I mean i have my reasons for having major feelings, but they aren't valid, are they? i am angry with myself for getting into this again and again, and also angry that i cannot have that one perfect person who i am currently head over heels in love with.

I don't want to lose what I've built with my bf over the years and unlike before, don't want to shy away from working things out. I cannot cheat him. I don't want to play with a person's feelings.

However, fact remains that i am completely in love with this other person. Though i would loathe to make any advances (and make a fool of myself) the fact that i have to keep interacting with him is killing me. I can't quit my job - and ruin my career. I can't run away from this problem - it's probably not just this guy, it's probably me and some insecurities of mine.

I really am not enjoying having this horribly inappropriate crush. Someone please help me out!!!
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by flora3 » Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:07 pm

Ok i'm kind of running out of time so i'd appreciate if i got some help soon :)

Also, the following questions and clarifications:
1. I have never gone to the extent of sleeping with anyone, including my bf.
2. I am betraying my bf by merely having feelings for other guys, am i not?
3. He's the kind of person who believes you should be in a relationship only if you're in love. In that case, my madness to care for "ethics" is unfair to him and belittling him isn't it?
4. He's smart enough to understand if i'm faking my feelings
5. Will I be happy with my bf if i marry him? Will i be happy if i married the person i'm attracted to?
6. Do other people have similar problems? If so, how do they deal with them satisfactorily?
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by insameshoes » Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:28 am

ok lemme first start by saying - a. i generally don't reply on such issues because it is simply a matter of personal choice, but making an exception here, b. am not being judgmental and am just trying to help out so don't be peeved if this strays into kinda ramblings coz what am gonna say is from the perspective of someone who's been there and has suffered from it.

a. you don't have to feel bad about leaving your boyfriend if it is not working, i am in a relationship where compatibility is an issue and believe me, it can tear any perfect relationship to pieces. if it is mostly downs even before marriage you can imagine how it will be after. it doesn't make sense to carry on with someone you "basically" don't agree with!

b. are you wrong in having feelings for the other person - personally i don't think so. one can control only the mind, never the heart.

c. whether this other relationship works or not is a matter of chance, in this case, a matter of choice for the other person, coz honestly it seems like you would be willing to get into the same if it worked out.

d. so, may be it'd be a gud thing to end it with your boyfriend and give this a try. may be it will work and if it won't sometime in life again you will find someone you'll really be happy with.

e. think it out, make a list - what are you unhappy about in the current and what you'd lose if it ends. would u b really happy and satisfied if u continued it at all? if you continued it, would you rue sometime in ur life later that u didnt give urself a chance for something u actually wanted. just list it all out on a piece of paper - this guy vs that or someone else later in life - what you'd love and hate about them and how it'd be in the future - clear your thoughts. then decide. once you decide don't ever think back and regret your decisions. that's the only way to be at peace. all the best.
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by 2power10 » Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:31 pm

Hi flora3
If it's a "mentor" you have feelings for, then i'd advise not taking it very seriously, irrespective of how things are with your bf. It might just be a passing infatuation:

1. Firstly, it's very very easy to have a crush on your teacher/boss/mentor/doctor, for obvious reasons.
2. It's easy to get attracted to people you work with because that is who you spend the maximum amount of time with. You get to see them from up close, you see them slog, you see their weaknesses and strengths. Women - you get to see men at their competitive best, probably their success and social skills charm you. People confide in one another at workplaces. And hence, sometimes you may wish this is how your partner could have been.
3. If the feeling between your crush and you isn't mutual, then you'll regret majorly if you make a move. Even if he says ok because he mildly gets feelings for you because you tell him you like him, chances are you're walking into the same thing that's happening between you and ur bf - only, now you're at the receving end.

Relationships are not about what one person feels - the feeling has to be MUTUAL. The affair should grow out of understanding between the two, and not just because one person finds it fascinating that the other has feelings for him/her. That;s very dangerous.

4. Even if you and your colleague hit it off eventually, either of you must look for another job. I feel that workplace romances, though one of the ultimate romantic fantasy of modern times, are doomed if the couple continues working at the same office. And especially if you have to report to him - i mean, imagine the complications and ego hassles!!

I suggest you give this one a pass and since you want to be loyal to your bf, then focus on building something with him instead :) Else, stay calm and wait for God to sort things out. What is destined cannot be fought :)
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by A V I » Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:14 am

The good part is ... You are assured that your BF has an unconditional love for you! And basically we can get into the psychoanalysis of the entire thing of why you are smitted by your senior at work - may be its the power or the stability or something else that clearly might be missing from your partner. And its your mentor at work => You are purely infatuated and Do Not confuse this with love!

And if you are in love, you can always fall for others... How many of the committed/married people still wish if they had Katrina Kaif or Hrithik or someone else for their partner? You just dont pursue them because its infeasible. So having feelings for someone even in a relationship is fine! Dont worry about the ethics part till you are cheating on your partner! :)

Try to look at your BF in a new light as to why you fell for him and acknowledge your new crush could not be your BF at this moment coz your current bf has sweated it out for you and more importantly YOU ACKNOWLEDGE HIM! Enjoy the feeling of the crush ... remain true to your love ...

Another very important point - Do not mix pleasure and work (personal and professional lives) at your workplace. Relationships at work are usually more coated with purpose than on the outside.

Feel good you have a loving partner and ... be happy! :D
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by shellyagal » Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:18 pm

"Love is in the air, everywhere I look around, Love is in the air, every sight and every sound." Try out if the other person loves you the same way as you do. You can send an anonymous crush to your heart throb using AAfter Search. Your identity will only be disclosed if your crush feels the same way as you do. Here is what you need to write in the search box- crush:your email: email of crush 1 : email of crush 2 : email of crush 3 then click Enter. Let the magic of love begin.
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by sweet guy » Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:00 am

the post above my post says about using "AAfter search "web site .....where u need to give ur email address .... beware of such sites ... they may collect ur address only for sending spam mails to u.
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Re: Need help with dealing with inappropriate crush

by VL » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:32 pm

I ain't saying much because this stuff is beyond me. I have been through it all and I still scratch my head ( I know, I talk vague).

Tell you what, girl? Do what you want to do! You are the best judge and no one understands you better than you!
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