I'm currently in a situation which has perfectly logical answers, but which i am totally unable to deal with.
I am a girl and committed to this guy, with whom there is nothing wrong. I've been in this relationship for a little over 2 years now. We've had our share of ups and downs, but if you ask me, there have been more downs than ups.
Now i have been guilty of being attracted to one other guy. This isn't the first time - i once did get attracted to someone else when i was a little less mature than now and by God's grace he was mature enough and awesome enough to tell me that it cannot happen
( unbelievable but i am NOT AT ALL attracted to him now and he's a great friend... it's true...now don't judge me)
Coming back to the topic, there is this guy at my workplace... much elder to me... who I have been smitten ever since i've met him. I almost worship him since he's been some sort of a mentor to me.
The problem is that i KNOW all the answers - that it's unfair, unreasonable even, to expect anything.
Firstly, I know exactly how my bf will feel if he came to know abt my feelings. I've been in his shoes (not in this relationship, though) and i know it completely sucks.
Secondly, I would never be able to live with myself if i let go of one person just because i found someone else. The guilt would eat me away and so would the knowledge that it'll come back to me.
Thirdly, that "other" person doesn't even know this, and even if he did there is about 0.000001% chance that we two will start anything. Actually it's almost laughable to think of it.
But fact is that i am a person who has a good time with several people, including the one i am smitten with. I am unable to have that kind of feel-good time with my bf, though there is much more real stuff we both share. We understand each other, he loves me unconditionally, he's been there for me when i was at my most vulnerable and most helpless, and I know he's rock solid support. Yet, there are fundamental issues of compatibility that make me get distracted when i run into someone i think is perfect. There have been times when we have been terrible to each other, knowingly or unknowingly. The bottom line is that I am terribly confused about my feelings for him.
I've tried getting over this but what worries me is my tendency to keep getting attracted to other men. I mean i have my reasons for having major feelings, but they aren't valid, are they? i am angry with myself for getting into this again and again, and also angry that i cannot have that one perfect person who i am currently head over heels in love with.
I don't want to lose what I've built with my bf over the years and unlike before, don't want to shy away from working things out. I cannot cheat him. I don't want to play with a person's feelings.
However, fact remains that i am completely in love with this other person. Though i would loathe to make any advances (and make a fool of myself) the fact that i have to keep interacting with him is killing me. I can't quit my job - and ruin my career. I can't run away from this problem - it's probably not just this guy, it's probably me and some insecurities of mine.
I really am not enjoying having this horribly inappropriate crush. Someone please help me out!!!